Next week I am attending the filming of Hustler’s porn parody “This Ain’t Happy Days XXX 2: Fonzie Luvs Pinky.”
You ask, “Grams, when will this crazy joyride of diminishing returns flogging a dead horse stop?” (Especially since it was Leather Tuscadero, and not Pinky, who was the exciting one, as everyone knows.)
But with 70’s/80’s sitcom star MacKenzie Phillips’ revelation in her book “High On Arrival,” as well as in two interviews this week on “Oprah,” that Phillips’ father, Mamas And Papas co-founder John Phillips, and his daughter had a decade-long consensual sexual relationship, well, I think “This Ain’t One Day At A Time XXX” is going to get a big green light from the Porn Valley dream factory.
According to Phillips, who has been abusing drugs almost continuously since 1970, she woke up on the night before her first marriage to find her father having sex with her. She was 19 and drug-addled, she said, and a relationship that started as rape became consensual.
“Consensual” is a much trickier word than it initially appears. Think of all the legal adults who each year agree to work in the porn industry, as cocktail waitresses at the House of Blues, at TMZ, or in the Orange County Sheriff’s Department. Yes, they signed a form, but are they in their right minds? Money and drugs, when not readily available elsewhere, can present a convincing imitation of consent.
Two of John Phillips’ former wives, Michelle Phillips and Genevieve Waite, have publicly disputed Mackenzie’s claims, which would have had her sleeping with her father during the final years of “One Day At A Time.”
The story of Ann Romano (played by Bonnie Franklin), a divorced mom living in an Indianapolis apartment with her two teenage daughters, Julie (Phillips) and Barbara (Valerie Bertinelli), “One Day At A Time” is ripe for porn parody for a number of other reasons, too:
1. Valerie Bertinelli is the ex-wife of porn soundtrack composer Eddie Van Halen, and Phillips co-starred with noted pornhound Richard Dreyfuss in “American Graffiti”
2. John Phillips looks a lot like adult industry attorney Michael Fattarosi
3. The character Schneider, a handyman, is as much a porn archetype as the pool cleaner or pizza delivery man, and could be played by XBiz publisher Alec Helmy
4. The Bonnie Franklin role would be ideal for many of Porn Valley’s milves
5. It’s not the one with Urkel in it
I have taken the liberty of writing a short draft of the script
ANN ROMANO lies alone in her bathrobe, which falls open to reveal a matronly Brazilian wax. She is on the phone with her daughter, JULIEROMANOI know you’re over 18, young lady and, barely legal or not, you still live under my roof. A curfew is a curfew. You said you’d be home to shave me.JULIE (split screen)But I met some musicians! Have you heard the song “California Semen”?ROMANOThat song is 20 years old as of the time we’ve established in the world of this movie! And that band is older than I am which, by MILF standards, is at least 24!JULIEI know, but there’s something about the lead singer I can relate to.ROMANOSuit yourselfJULIE is approached by the wizened LEAD SINGERLEAD SINGERYoung girls are coming to the canyonJULIEI dreamed about you!LEAD SINGERYou just keep telling yourself thatROMANO hangs up and masturbates bitterly. BARBARA walks in.BARBARAMother! I can see eternity in your folds!ROMANOYou’ll never keep a man unless you can crack his knuckles with your labia. Let me show you something….ROMANO drops her robe to reveal her full oiled nudity and several tattoos in Chinese and Gaelic characters, Playboy bunnies, and the Slayer logoBARBARAAs long as I can spell the lyrics to “Jamie’s Crying” in my own squirt on the wall
You get the idea.
I believe Phillips could be played by Amber Rayne or Justine Joli (the latter would have to drop that pesky Girls Only clause in her contract), Bertinelli by Kristina Rose, and Franklin by a multitude of stars, including the resurgent Chloe, Lisa Ann, or Vannah Sterling.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: It little suits a man to win The Beatles Rockband but lose his soul; Jesse Jane is the Sweetheart of Sigma Nevermind
See also: Hustler
I'd buy that for a dollar!
That's a helluva treatment, GP, but this:
"The Bonnie Franklin role would be ideal for many of Porn Valley's milves"
is where you're wrong.
You want to talk about your je ne sais quoi that Porn Valley hasn't seen the likes of since "Aunt Peg"…on second thought, no, no, no, since ever.
JR.
lmao!
I was going to ask for a story credit. But that's all you, sir. You took it and ran with it, and I cannot be mad at that. Bravo, you made my day.
Also, Chloe's back? Really? Sweet!
JR, having recently watched "Aunt Peg" for the first time, I was amazed at both how hot the post-40 Juliet Stevenson was and how there was incest in the movie: http://gramponante.com/reviews/2009/03/aunt-peg.html. If only we could get Stevenson to play Bonnie Franklin…
And Oruba, just as adding ridiculously-high numbers to a porn title is universal shorthand for the ridiculousness of the porn industry, I humbly counter that it was Mackenzie Phillips' shocking revelation, not your suggestion, that was the basis of last week's story. In a very short time, prefacing the name of any established and unlikely mainstream show with "This Ain't" or "Not the" has become an accepted joke. I always give credit when I rip someone off.