Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Joone
Cast: Evan Stone, Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Steven St. Croix, Janine, Tommy Gunn

If Pirates had been the first porn movie I ever saw, I probably would have decided that there wouldn’t be much money in making fun of porn as a profession. I would have said that porn is a healthy medium that can make fun of itself just fine, and maybe get a job as a park ranger or lieutenant governor somewhere.

But the fact is that the first porn movie I ever saw was probably something like Catherine, or some mid-80’s video version of it, and I always had in the back of my mind that this was an industry ripe for deflation.

Anybody who tells you they know how much Pirates cost is probably lying, but the large amount of cash spent on publicity and premieres and special effects (the latter probably causing a little buyer’s remorse) seems secondary to the solid, sexy, and engaging kind of film Digital Playground creates when it puts its collective mind to it.

As Maude said in The Big Lebowski, “Sex can be a zesty experience.” That is why it is huge fun watching Jesse Jane work with Carmen Luvana, and then Janine. Pirates doesn’t waste the audience’s time on awkward getting into position; the sex scenes switch from blowjob to cowgirl to candles in the ass seamlessly, and all the scenes smoke (sometimes literally).

Like any porn flick, there are willing suspensions of disbelief required for answering why Jesse (who, clothed, looks a little like Janice from the Muppets in this movie) and Evan Stone don’t get together (Jesse said that she and Stone “fuck in every film, so this time we just didn’t”) or why Carmen Luvana wears her wedding ring in some scenes and doesn’t in others, or why she pronounces “Caribbean” “Carabian”, or why Teagan Presley wasn’t just told to go home, but this was a movie that deserved its big screen showing.

Evan Stone is a solid and very hammy actor and Joone and editor “Cousin” Nick Pulgadas gave him a lot of room to just be funny. The most ballsy performance comes from St. Croix, however, who curls himself into a fetal position and shrieks when Jesse leaves him. Every pop shot at the premiere was greeted by cheers, but the only bit of dialogue that got a similar response (though there were many fun lines) was Janine’s, when she commanded Tommy Gunn to “lick it.”

Every now and then – but rarely – director Joone felt he needed to advance the story, something about finding one’s destiny by means of pirate hunting. It was at these times that Pirates seemed a little like kids playing dress-up (as did the premiere, which resulted in the inevitable dismissal from Variety). When the movie stood on its considerable strengths – a strong cast who had worked together before, excellent editing, a fun score from SkinMusik, and a lot of light humor as well as hot girls in abundance – Pirates was the only porn movie you need to see this year.

Buy it.

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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