Ponante shocked, pleased with “Facts of Life XXX” Academy Award nominations

HOLLYWOOD—Gram Ponante was delighted to learn that his “Facts of Life XXX,” the pornic adaptation of the classic 1980s sitcom, was nominated for several Academy Awards this morning, breaking several precedents.

“Not only is this the first Triple-X movie to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar,” Ponante noted over drinks at a trendy Sunset Blvd. eatery, “but it wasn’t even released during the eligibility period.”

Indeed, “Facts of Life XXX” isn’t scheduled for release until early Spring, 2011, but that did not stop a delirious Academy of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences from nominating it in the Best Direction, Best Picture, and Best Song (“Cracks” by Fogelfoot) categories, as well as Best Adapted Screenplay.

“When I heard Gabourey Sidibe announce my name at 6 this morning, I almost shat,” said the belovedly irreverent Ponante, whom no one is sick of. “That I beat out Christopher Nolan for ‘Inception’ on my very first try at directing is proof that all my mother’s novenas fucking worked.”

But Ponante was morose that “Facts” was shut out for acting nominations.

“You’re telling me that Natalie Portman’s or Michelle Williams’ carpet munching scene was better than that of Kristina Rose, Bobbi Brixton, Kodi Gamble, Koffee Cream, Ashli Orion, or Raylene?” Ponante scoffed, flicking a barely noticeable speck of salad from his jodhpurs. “Queen Amidala’s got nothing on those ladies.”

Despite his joy at just having been nominated, Ponante believes “Facts of Life XXX” is a dark horse at best.

“The Academy did a brave thing by nominating my vision,” he said. “But this town is still very scared. They can show a bunch of talking toys but they’ll shy away from someone getting a load—that she asked for!—shot across her face.”

Still, Ponante admits he has his acceptance speech ready.

“I’ll thank God and Harvey Weinstein, of course,” Ponante said, “and I’m going to make sure I thank Lee Roy Myers, the best producer in Porn Valley, but I’m also going to thank Geri Jewell, who sadly couldn’t make a cameo.”

The Academy Awards will be broadcast February 27. James Bartholet is hosting.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Porn parody boldly tackles race, dairy

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

5 Comments

  1. lololol. i was so stoned I almost believed u for one second, I mean if that Sasha grey escort movie can get recognition lolol!! U so funny 🙂 you get an Orion award it’s cooler than an Oscar! Lol <3

  2. “Cracks” has just been added to my iPod Shuffle for inspiration during athletic endeavors; biggest porno jam since William H. Nutsack’s stone cold classic, “Cum Drenched Tits.”

  3. “Cracks” came on twice during iTunes random-play this weekend; somewhat surprisingly my wife didn’t ask me What The Fuck either time.

    Fogelfoot has really eased its ways into a comfortable spot between The Flying Burrito Brothers and Folk Implosion in my collection.

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