Porn Box Prophecies — 2015

Third World Media-gram-ponante
Each January I look forward to the first box of porn of the new year. January, as you know, is named for the Roman god Janus, the deity of doors, who, like humans this time of year, looks both forward and back. So I derive a quiet comfort and confidence from what the year’s first porn box foretells.

And you can’t spell Janus without anus.

Waiting for me after my Christmas trip were “Teen Brazil #14,” “Italian Transexxual Job #14,” and “Canada T-Girls #3.” Together these series iterations equal 31. Three plus one is four. My penis is four inches longer than the national average (well, of Japan).

I wrote this poem in a sweatlodge on the grounds of my poly community. TRIGGER WARNING: It involves patriarchal rhyme schemes traditionally used by white men.

Some people look up to the stars
Or practice divination
Some sift through tea leaves, seeking clues
For every situation

To predict the future, they
Build shrines and sacred altars
But I unpack a box of porn
Its wisdom never falters

I can tell the future
With Oracular precision
From who will shortly be a MILF
To M-to-F transition

This box of nuts and cellophane
The (w)hole of porndom augurs
And I can read it like a champ
Alone among porn bloggers

I’ll tell you who is gay for pay
And never am misguided
Whose tits are real? Whose vag is plump?
How might it feel inside it?

These parcels packed with DVDs
Are data to be gathered
Like creampies eaten from an ass
And on a spinner slathered

So look to me for counsel
However grand or base
I always know what’s coming
(Most likely on her face.)

Third World Media-gram-ponante

This box from the dynamic and enterprising Third World Media might be telling us that there are twice as many trannies than Brazilian teens awaiting us in 2015, but that is a Dionne Warwick-level prediction.

Instead, what this box for me bodes is that we will start to see more porn from different countries (Canada and Italy is not known for its porn, but maybe it should be) and that, like Brazilian teens, it will be a little fleshier.

I will endeavor to expose you to more porn from exotic places and from women who pack more back.

Third World Media-gram-ponante

Furthermore, body types we don’t normally encounter in porn will arrive on our smeared little screens in greater numbers. I applaud that. The Jesse Jane model of eight particularly overpumped parts on a lollipop stick-thin figure certainly is sexy when arranged, “Alien” facehugger-like, on one’s cock and balls, but there’s room for so much more.

Happy 2015! Heed my predictions and live.

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