Porn Standards Conclabe Supports Milves, Abolishes Strokable

Notes from the 12th Porn Standards Conclabe

CHATSWORTH, Calif.— Calling to order the 12th Annual Porn Standards Conclabe at the Lamplighter Restaurant here, Porn Valley Chamber of Commerce Chairperson Loup Perch-Tounge welcomed industry dramaturgs, archivists, scribes, and tastemakers from as far away as Tampa to both Portlands as well as sizable retinues from San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles.

Casey Parker

True to this year’s theme of “Reach for the Stars,” attendees sampled Kirkland products from the Costco on Roscoe while they discussed Porn Orthography, Hall of Fame Induction Criteria, and separated into breakout groups to wrestle with the contentious issue of Subjective Genre Terminology.

Sassy McSassypants opened the event, cutting the ceremonial string of interwoven Pussycash lanyards from adult conventions as far back as 2009. McSassypants, who had just turned 18 that morning, quickly left the industry.

“It’s all happening now,” says Perch-Tounge in a statement released through his publicist. “The future is here. The business of Adult is business. Sex sells. This is porn worth buying. An industry at a crossroads. We are inking deals. The fans. I’m really excited.”

Perch-Tounge went on to introduce the reports of several committees convened to formalize adult industry protocol in the following areas:

Report of the Hall of Fame Induction Standards Committee

tanner mayes

Beginning March 2016, male performers found to be using Performance Enhancing Drugs, including but not limited to Caverject, Viagra, and/or Cialis, will continue to be considered for Hall of Fame induction but, once elected, will be listed with an asterisk next to their names.

As there are no brick and mortar structures solemnizing a half century of adult entertainment, committee members stressed that this would be a low-cost solution.

“It costs nothing to add an asterisk to a website,” says Perch-Tounge, but warns that “the website needs to be backed up now and then.”

Similarly, biological female and transsexual performers found to be using Performance Deadening Drugs will be asked if they are OK.

Reconciliation of Time Department Report

bettie page

“You’ve got the so-called Golden Age but everything else is The Void,” says Ali “Compuserve” Darvish. “As of 1989, you go from ‘Golden Age Director’ to ‘Director.’ When I die, what adjective will AVN put in front of my name since I didn’t happen to make movies between 1972 and 1988?”

Darvish and his team defined several time periods before and after The Golden Age with instructions to put the terms into common usage immediately.

  • Pre-history (Filthy cave drawings to 1952 when Bettie Page began working for Irving Klaw) — Photography clubs, stag reels, and “whatever weird shit the Nazis were into.”
  • Loop Era (1953-1971) — The emergence of 8mm loops shown in back rooms, Times Square sex shows, and early commercial pornography
  • The Golden Age (1972-1987) — “Deep Throat” and Porno Chic, John Holmes, Jamie Gillis, Linda Lovelace, Traci Lords, Ron Jeremy, grudging law enforcement acceptance in some cities co-existing with frequent vice raids of porn sets, porn millionaires, founding of AVN and the XRCO
  • The Freeman Age (1988-1994) — Porn’s de facto decriminalization in California following the Freeman Decision, the outpacing of film by video, the VHS explosion, conservative backlash, the Meese Commission Report
  • Jennaration X (1995-2004) — Jenna Jameson becomes a star, inspires more women to think of porn as a viable career, grudging mainstream acceptance, corporate porn vs. gonzo, arty, or subversive porn, The Gene Pool (blogger Gene Ross breaks from AVN, starts non-canonical porn industry blog, inspires groundbreaking though disturbed Luke Ford and less-inspired others), emergence of “Internet Side” vs. “Video Side” dichotomy and traffic/content debates, industry-wide STD testing and semi-effective self-policing
  • Pax Grammatica (2005-present) — Following the founding of GramPonante.com, an era of thoughtful, heightened, and enlightened sex culture discourse that influenced peaceful resolutions, artistic expression, high production value, good spelling, ethical business practices, a little extra padding on the hips, and the triumph of the manly baritone where nothing bad happened (UPDATE: rescinded by injunction)
  • The Winnowing (2005-2012) — John Ashcroft and obscenity scares, 2257 scares, the economic downturn, the rise and social institutionalization of piracy via tubesites, nuisance condom legislation and flight from Porn Valley, porn parodies and other topical adult material as further evidence that porn is no longer a license to print money, diversification to 1:1 model of cam shows, sex educator training, escorting, quiet retirements
  • Vichy Period (2013-present) — Leaner, more circumspect, sadder but perhaps wiser de-centralized adult industry not entirely (but close) co-opted by MindGeek: Purveyors of Piracy Perversely Propping Up Porn Pretending Empathy, emergence of free porn business models in response to piracy, Belle Knox somehow.

Report of the Orthography And Terminology Committee

Mean Cuckold 2

“While it would cause thousands of titles to be taken off the shelves to correct myriad ignorant, deliberately ignorant, and pernicious mistakes, the standardization of terminology and spelling in porn is necessary for the industry to be taken seriously,” — UN Commission on Porn Spelling, 2007

RESOLVED

  • Blowjob (not blow job, blow-job, or Blow Job); handjob; gangbang; facefuck; trannies not trannys; cockblock; 3-way (not threeway or three way); Bree Olson with two Os
  • Blowjob is to facefucking as fellatio is to irrumatio
  • Plural of MILF is milves*
  • Collective Terms: A Divorce of Cougars, a Bancroft of Milves, An Operation of Transsexuals, A Swallow of Female Pornstars, a Load of Male Pornstars, a Frown of Sex Educators, a Basement of Porn Reviewers, a Mullen of Publicists, a Roll of BBWs*, a Creep of Lifestyle Fetishists
  • A cuckold is the male who is humiliated and cheated on by his spouse or girlfriend; he is not the man with whom the spouse or girlfriend cheats. Series like “Mean Cuckold” are misleading and must be renamed “Mean Cuckolder”
  • A wittol is a man who agrees to other men having sex with his wife or partner and who might consent to and enjoy the process of “hotwifing.”
  • Gash or slit as synonyms for female genital area (FGA) relegated to archaic status while, interestingly, FGA adopted as hip and trending new term, as in “Drop one in my FGA” or “I’m not sure, but I will try to FGA it out.”
  • Vulv also approved as acceptable synonym for FGA and, in that vein, labe
  • Cock still current
  • “Strokable” abolished as a measure of a porn movie’s masturbatory effectiveness (“We don’t want to imagine porn reviewers jerking off,” says archivist Boots Lopez)
  • A Cougar is a woman over 35 who actively seeks the company of younger men in order to fuck them. A MILF may be a cougar but a cougar is not necessarily a MILF.
  • For the millionth time, a MILF is a woman who is the guardian of an offspring old enough for his/her friends to say “Your mom is hot.” If there are no offspring present or alluded to in the film, the term MILF should not be used. Beginning March, 2016, actresses portraying milves must be milves in real life
  • Similarly, the term “babysitter” cannot be used if no sittable charges are alluded to in the film
  • Regarding women who have birthed or are the guardians of children not yet old enough to have friends who think their mom is hot, several terms have been suggested: Playdates, Teen Moms, Junos, or La Leche League
  • Just because a woman is over 25 she is not necessarily a MILF or a cougar

Report of the Subcommittee of Subjective Terminology*

jesse jane

In that a MILF is defined by its acronym as “Mom I’d Like To Fuck,” a suggestion was made that the term be changed, considering that not all milves are ones that the universal “I” want to fuck. The same person also suggested that the second B in BBW be removed because not all women identifying as BBWs are necessarily that second B. This suggestion was tabled because you can always skip to the next scene and you wouldn’t say that if she showed up at your house with a bottle of Jagermeister and some of that melon-scented stripper body spray that seems to be the Great Equalizer

Report from the Committee on Self-Identification

allanah starr gia darling

While it is acknowledged that there are political obstacles to labeling oneself a whore or hooker rather than a sex worker; a tranny or ladyboy or katoey or she-male or chick-with-a-dick rather than transgendered; or a prostitute rather than a porn performer (or a sex worker rather than a porn performer), it is resolved that you get to choose how you are identified

***

Following the 2-hour conclabe, the meeting was formally adjourned with closing remarks by Gram Ponante, who earlier in the meeting had self-identified as America’s Beloved Porn Journalist:

“Hi,” Ponante said. “Can everyone hear me? The margaritas in here have too much mix in them. I feel like the rim of the glass was pushed along the carpeting at JM’s old office. Thing about low-pile shag carpeting is that it’s not even gangbang-absorbent after awhile; you might as well strip it to the concrete and put some mats down. You can drag the mats out back and hose them down, sponge them, whatever. Anyway, thanks for coming. Sassy is back in the industry now but she’s just Girls Only. We’re together.”

3 thoughts on “Porn Standards Conclabe Supports Milves, Abolishes Strokable

  1. This is so inside it should require a less-that-week-old test.

    If one could bronze a blog, this would be the blog to bronze. Well done, G.

    Also, “For the millionth time, a MILF is a woman who is the guardian of an offspring old enough for his/her friends to say “Your mom is hot.” If there are no offspring present or alluded to in the film, the term MILF should not be used. Beginning March, 2016, actresses portraying milves must be milves in real life” – this, this, THIS. Been saying that for years (whether you remember or not). For this, we shall always be blood brothers (provided that you have a recent test, as well).

    One more thing – I managed to spell my name correctly this time. I think I shall celebrate with cake.

  2. Of course, we ARE talking about an industry that gives no fucks about words and how to properly use them.

    *shrugs*

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