Porn Valley To Rebrand Without Popshots, Gaping

CHATSWORTH, Calif. — Following last week’s announcement by Playboy that the iconic men’s magazine would rebrand without nudity starting in March, 2016, the Porn Valley Chamber of Commerce declared it, too, would dedicate itself to covering the “lifestyle that hardcore pornography represents” rather than producing any more images of creampies, hypospadia, gaping, labia minora, cum farts, nostrilingus, nipples, piledrivers, or dirt pipe milkshakes.

Standing before a bank of microphones in the parking lot of the Lamplighter Cafe, Chamber of Commerce president Loup Perch-Tounge acknowledged that paying for porn was an idea that went out with [millennial rap-metal band] Limp Bizkit.

“That battle has been fought and won,” said Perch-Tounge. “You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.”

Perch-Tounge said that the industry would instead focus on the “XXX Lifestyle, a 24/7 thrillride of leased vehicles, utility disruptions, older boyfriends, chronic absenteeism, and content piracy.”

car repossession

Longtime porn fans were warily optimistic about the shift.

“I’ve been a porn fan since Sarah Vandella was Sara Sloane,” says Burmp Flatus, “but I’ve been burned before by Porn Valley Marfa (in which Jenna Jameson sat by the side of the road in Marfa, TX for two weeks in order to connect with younger fans) and Vivid-Alt. I also thought the Octomom movie was poorly-lit.”

Still, Flatus said he would give the rebranding a try.

“I’m excited to read more press releases about 40-year-old dudes trying to get their 18-year-old girlfriend into ‘Firefly,'” he says. “And I’ve been looking into leasing a Fiat 500 and defaulting on the payments.”

The massive content libraries of Vivid, Wicked, Digital Playground, Hustler, and Zero Tolerance are this moment being uploaded to Mimefreak servers, as they have been for several years.

Perch-Tounge introduced the new campaign’s first “contract star,” Blicket Star, who turned around to show spectators her Revamp Tramp Stamp — an image of the phone number of Time Warner Cable’s credit department.

“Porn Valley has been ahead of the curve ever since deciding VHS versus Betamax back in the 1980s,” he said, “and certainly since deciding VHS versus Betamax back in the 1980s. Not to mention Savanna Samson wine, the Lethal Hardcore Resort And Casino, Wicked Cola, and deciding VHS versus Betamax back in the 1980s.”

Perch-Tounge said the first release from New Porn Valley would be a series of SEO keywords concerning mature/teen tardiness, followed by a series of webisodes featuring the newly-created Clothed Female/Clothed Male (CFCM) niche.

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