Pornollaneous 10.7.10

Too big for a Twitter post, too little for a novel, here are the week’s pornollaneous events that, taken as a whole, answer the most basic questions about our existence.

This Week: It Licks the Bat, A Swag Plea, A Joke, Lupe’s Grindhouse, Bernie Goetz Revisited, Observation: Lance^TM

I Don’t Think She Thought It Would Go Down This Way

Now that the Major League Baseball finals have started, it’s good to see Porn Valley can be interested in something that doesn’t affect it personally, even if the Dodgers and Angels aren’t in the running.

Still, Audrianna Angel isn’t really selling me with her bat-licking on the cover of “Over Stuffed 11.” It’s as if she’s checking in with me, disappointed that I’m making sure she’s actually doing it.

“I’m not going to be able to slide it into my vagina just by licking it a couple of times,” she seems to be saying. “Wouldn’t you rather I just slide it into my vagina?”

“Keep licking it,” I say. I always tell them to just keep licking it.

“He Didn’t Fight Fair.”

Lupe Fuentes and Evan Seinfeld have released a trailer for “Super Poosey” which is grindhouse-perfect in so many ways I almost don’t want to see a whole film.

Doppelgangers con Queso

It’s eerie how much GiGi Rivera of “Barely Legal 110” and Vanessa De Claireville of “Plump Friction” look like each other. Is it any coincidence that they both have such European-sounding names?

A Joke

That earlier story on bat-licking made me think of this:
[audio:http://gramponante.com/GPImages/GPVids/joke10710.mp3|titles=Joke1|artists=GramPonante]

Swag I Can Use

I am all for porn companies going that extra mile to express the very special nature of their product with promotional items. As you may remember, I’ve received all sorts of useful promotional items, from rulers to liquor.

But does anyone wear porn t-shirts? How about porn do-rags?

This week I got a “Deviance 2” t-shirt from Adam & Eve and both a “Speed” t-shirt and do-rag from Wicked. I’ve been to dozens of low-rent and up-market adult conventions, visited numerous porn stores, and met with thousands of porn fans in my several years covering this industry and I have never seen anyone wearing anything more suggestive than a shirt with a simple Playboy or Hustler logo.

Seriously: who wears this stuff other than the husbands of the women in the movie?

I’m going to give these pieces of classy apparel to UNICEF in the hope that someday whilst watching a Sally Struthers infomercial or CNN, I’ll either see some 4-year-old sleeping in the “Speed” do-rag or a 14-year-old armed thug repping Teagan.

You want me to remember your movie? Pay my phone bill. Either that or make a good movie.

(NB: I haven’t seen “Speed” or “Deviance 2” yet, but I’m sure they’re great movies. I’ll let you know.)

I Adapted This from Something I Heard My Father Say About a Subway Vigilante

Well, with tits like that, whatever Breanna wants.

Observation: Lance^TM

Of Pink Visual’s “Anal Annihilations,” my office assistant, Lance, said:

“If any of these women appear in an anal scene in just one more movie, consumers will know their anuses haven’t been annihilated and will want their money back.”