Too big for a Twitter post, too little for a novel, here are the week’s pornollaneous events that, taken as a whole, answer the most basic questions about our existence.
Little Lupe, Big Mouth
Newly-minted Wicked Girl “Little” Lupe Fuentes, the Colombiana who appeared in a Puerto Rican court to exonerate a man on trial for possessing what prosecutors thought was child pornography (“Little Lupe the Innocent: Don’t Be Fooled By Her Baby Face” – see? It’s right there in the title. Yet prosecutors from San Juan to Washington D.C. don’t seem to maximize their efficiency through studious research) has a huge mouth.
Most porn stars are tiny creatures who, if placed in the background of a photo with a penis in the foreground, help perpetuate the myth that guys in porn have bigger dicks than the general populace.
But you could hold the Houston 500 in Fuentes’ mouth with extra room for the recent Exxxotica Expo. In her native Cali, they call that chasm “La Boca Castrata.”
Fuentes is a very nice person, as well as a better dresser than Steven Tyler.
Legislating Cougars
32-year-old Kora Peters is described by her agency, Vangard Talent, as a “young cougar.” I believe that a woman must be at least 40 to be eligible for cougarhood. Prior to that, she has plenty of time to be a U.S. Senator.
When in Photoshop, don’t forget the tan lines
Director Mick Blue’s ‘Diabolical Amateurs 2” features cover model Amy Anderson. The charming Anderson is so awkward and hesitant in her interview with the German Blue, who trips over himself to get her to talk, that I looked up her IAFD entry, which as of this writing lists just this movie and that she was born in Georgia.
She talks so haltingly in the video that I wasn’t sure if it was the Republic of Georgia or the State of Georgia (turns out it’s the state).
The 19-year-old’s tan lines are fetching. In a business where everyone is a “porn star” as soon as the first naked picture is snapped on a cameraphone, her lack of porn decorum is actually an asset, even if she doesn’t seem at all comfortable. That will change in a few movies if she decides to stay.
See how she appears to be trying to get away from her scene partner, as if she is the cat and he is Pepe LePew.
In any case, the boxcover photo has her perched precariously poolside. We see her be-cutoffed butt casting a tasteful shadow. Next to this image we see her “pretty girl” picture and realize that the pool got Photoshopped in with considerable effort.
So I guess the choice to keep Anderson’s tan lines was an attempt to telegraph how fresh she was to the adult business. It worked! It’s better than using a bounce house or Ferris Wheel as a backdrop; otherwise I predict a trip to a Puerto Rican courtroom in her future.
So What Did You Think Would Happen?
A movie called “Cumshot Surprise 2” (from a studio called Fuck You Cash which, along with Dog Fart, shares my prize for Porn Studio Most Likely Named By An 11-Year-Old) suggests that its performers, such as Charisma Capelli, are caught off guard by men ejaculating on their faces.
Having lived here for almost ten years, I can tell you that no woman in Los Angeles County should not expect to have her face ejaculated on. It’s like picking someone up at LAX or traffic on the 405; it’s just what happens here.
So this movie is a lie.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Back when boobs mattered; Porn Valley signage – which is real?
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist
1) I wish to know Lupe Fuentes better.
2) First MiLF, now Cougars – there should be a damn age limit for both (as well as that whole “I gave birth once or thrice, and have the kids/stretch marks to prove it!” requirement for MiLF-hood). One thing she does have in common with the porn-MiLF/Cougar crowd is a boob job of questionable quality. I guess that’s a pre-requisite.
3a) Dead-on with that Pepe Le Pew observation.
3b) The pool doesn’t look like the only thing that was P-shopped. It looks like they made her just a tad wider and bustier.
4) Who’s the audience for Cumshot Surprise?
re: 4): I have no idea. But then someone wrote me today who asked whatever became of Mini Pipes, who did 11 movies in 2003/04. “She was the only one who ever did anything for me,” said the reader. All I can say is that, however far-fetched, obscure, or distasteful the porn may be, there is always someone who will take it to his/her heart. In many ways this is encouraging and, in many more accurate ways (I believe I stole that from The Simpsons), it is not.
Well, it’s IS an example of Rule 34.
I think the porn convention of cougarhood has spilled over into mainstream consciousness just as the fashion world’s notion of female weight and figure did 30-40 years ago. I regularly hear women my age (late twenties, early thirties) refer to themselves as cougars. Something strange is happening to America, Gram!!
On a related note, as I wonder why I’m so attracted to Amy Anderson, I realize that I’m now old enough to find her being 19 a major selling point. I realize that suddenly I’m THAT GUY. I never wanted to be that guy. I’m scared.
I try not to be THAT GUY on a daily basis, but it’s damn difficult. There should be a support group.
THAT GUY Anonymous. We meet as far away from the local high school as possible.
Thats really a pornolllaneous pics. I like the cum surprise.