Too big for a Twitter post, too little for a novel, here are the week’s pornollaneous events that, taken as a whole, answer the most basic questions about our existence.
Big Pimpin’ with Chippy D
While Montana Fishburne, aka Chippy D., is merely the latest celebrity offspring to release a sex tape, her story is shaping up to be the type of “Hardcore”-style family tragedy that resonates with people who know nothing about porn.
The sex tapes of Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and Kim Kardashian were all met with the requisite titillation and subsequent letdown one might expect from poor (but lucrative) pornography. But porny situations seem to happen to such people, whereas we get a sense from the Fishburne drama that there are a lot of unresolved issues.
Fishburne’s co-star in her upcoming Vivid-celeb release is boyfriend Jeremy Greene, aka J. Pipes, who previously scored work for Fishburne in the video “Phatty’s Rhymes & Dimes 14,” starring Brian Pumper.
It is for this reason Greene is being called Fishburne’s pimp and, according to court documents filed with the California Superior Court, Los Angeles, Fishburne was charged with one count of engaging in or offering sex for money [647(A)] and, so as not to confuse what she was doing with the acts of a high-end escort, one count [653.22(b)] of loitering to engage in prostitution. This happened last November.
Pumper said that he knew who Fishburne was but did not publicize it. So, though “Phatty’s Rhymes And Dimes 14” appears to be Fishburne’s first porn video (see the best rap song ever here), Pumper will likely get scooped by Vivid.
Part of the tragedy of the celebrity-spawn sex tape is that it drags someone else into porn who didn’t ask for it. When the mainstream media opines about parents of porn performers, it does so disparagingly (negligent? abusive?) Of course, Fishburne can’t help who her parents are and, say what you will about controlling, pimpish boyfriends, she made her own decision.
And the damage has already been done. What would rub salt in the wound would be porn movies titled to capitalize on the elder Fishburne’s fame, such as “Mattress Revolutions: Morpheus Descending,” “ApocaChippyD. Now,” or “Searching for Blowjobby Fischer.”
Mullen on Cosby Death Tweets: “Might as well”
Bill Cosby has four times been the subject of a Twitter meme and hashtag that were grossly exaggerated. This week even Cosby himself asked the #BillCosbydied purveyors to stop, but that did not stop master porn huckster Jeff Mullen from capitalizing on the phenomenon with a press release.
Yesterday’s rampant Twitter inspired rumor about the death of entertainer Bill Cosby brought out the black wardrobe at porn production company X-Play who thought that their inspirational leader for their hilarious porn parody Not the Cosbys XXX was no longer alive.
“I was so happy when I saw him on television last night,” stated Will Ryder who directed the popular porn parody Not the Cosbys XXX which went on to win the 2010 AVN Best Parody, Nightmoves Best Parody and the XCritic Movie of the Year awards.
I have a feeling that the press release won’t look much different when Cosby dies for real.
“Listen, Cliff Huxtable is right up there with Mike Brady of the Brady Bunch as father-of-the-year type guys and he has entertained fans for decades, even though I heard he was not completely happy that we did a porn parody of his beloved Cosby Show.”
I like how the first word is “Listen,” as if the writer of the press release is having an internal struggle about whether this is a good idea.
Buttman’s Political Violence
In the first issue of “Buttman Magazine” to be released after obscenity charges were dismissed against him, John Stagliano talked about guns to the head.
“The problem is putting a gun to me and forcing me to go to jail for something people are freely choosing to buy. By a real morality the crime would be to force someone to do something, through the threat of jail, when there is no victim. I am a victim of political violence.”
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: George C. Scott in “Hardcore”
Fishburne movie title spoofs can go on for awhile – the man’s been acting since he was a teenager – and I won’t indulge. I will, however, indulge in his major TV credit… CSI: Creampie Semen Internalizations. Or something.