Too big for a Twitter post, too little for a novel, here are the week’s pornollaneous events that, taken as a whole, answer the most basic questions about our existence.
This Week: “Avatar” as an actual blue movie, Boxcovers of Note, Observation: LanceTM
“This Ain’t Avatar XXX” too brainy, says James Cameron
Porn has often been accused of dumbing things down, like when X-Play did “Not Ken Burns’ The Civil War XXX” and they made it all about slavery. But Axel Braun’s upcoming “This Ain’t Avatar XXX” looks to be a little too egg-headed compared to last year’s original.
“The characters seem complex,” said “Avatar” director James Cameron of the porn parody. “If I wanted to make a think piece, I’d have done ‘Titanic 2.'”
“This Ain’t Avatar XXX” faces strong competition from “The Cunt Locker” at January’s AVN Awards.
“All Girls Do It,” but not exactly that way
A trussed Lolly Badcock rests on her lower spine and offers her ass at an inconvenient angle on a heavy oak throne wedged into the corner of what appears to be a Bally’s Total Fitness locker room.
No, I say: No. All girls do not do that, for which I am relieved.
Observation: LanceTM
My data entry assistant, Lance, picked up a copy of “Roseanne XXX.”
“I can’t believe they made a porn movie out of this,” he said.
“I think the star is a very nice person, but I told her I didn’t like the movie,” I said.
“You know this girl?” he said. “She’s hot. I like big girls.”
“Yeah. She gave me the movie,” I said.
“So a girl just hands you a movie and says, ‘You can see me fucking in this’?” he said.
“Yes,” I said. I hadn’t thought about it that way before, but Yes.
Lance was silent for a moment and read the tagline on the boxcover.
“‘The 80’s lost their innocence but not their sense of humor;” he said.
“Yeah,” I said.
“That is the stupidest thing I think I’ve ever read.”
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Lolly “Schoolhouse” Badcock—get your adverbs here
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