Pornollaneous 9.30.10

Too big for a Twitter post, too little for a novel, here are the week’s pornollaneous events that, taken as a whole, answer the most basic questions about our existence.

This Week: Every Rose Has Its Onion, Cocks for Tea, Peeling Off with Jesse Jane in Hustler, Can’t Wait for “This Ain’t Antlers of Reason,” Amber Case Re-Launches Site

Rose: “Please, Not My Face”

The introductory photo of 20-year-old Rose, new to the porn industry and represented by Metro Talent Management, reminded me of a recent photo captioned “All of Artist’s Nudes Look Terrified.” She looks like she’s not very sure about what is happening to her, with part of her body twisting away and her face registering some concern.

Rose looks like she wasn’t finished getting her emotions corraled in this picture, though later photos capture her combination of sexiness and distrust better.

Improvised Porn Dialogue As Cultural Ambassador

If real women talked like porn performers do while having sex, I would go nuts. Luckily I realize that all porn is art. Regardless, I was very impressed with the impromptu rutting dialogue uttered by this actress in a Viv Thomas film, who gives us a good idea of how the British break down their meals.

It was as informative of the way the rest of the world eats as this:

You Already Know What Jesse Jane Looks Like

As I am Close Personal Friends^TM with Jesse Jane ^TM, I had the privilege of interviewing her for the latest issue of Hustler, on newsstands and in your uncle’s closet now.

Jane peeks out from a faux-dogeared corner of the cover, and my profile inside features the following quote:

“I’m gonna pull your huge cock out of your pants and shove it in my little pussy,” she says. “Then I’m gonna pull it out and shove it up my ass. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you dirty fucker? Then I’m gonna come all over your cock. You want to do it right here?”

Alas, there is not a single image of this Hustler issue on the web; it’s as if Larry Flynt is strong-arming the Internet into submission and forcing us to go out into the streets and purchase paper products.

The Worst Porn Is Often Better Than Whatever This Is

Many porn directors have frustrated aspirations elsewhere, and this anger is often taken out on the ever-dwindling audiences of their ponderous, joyless films. But today I received the following message:

Hey there,

love your site. I think you write really well, with an original perspective on things.

Just thought I’d share the following with you as I think you will appreciate it. It’s from a very interesting independent film called Antlers of Reason, which was banned in the US precisely because of this scene: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2iiqp_antlers-controversial-clip_shortfilms

While obviously written by a shill for this movie, the letter convinced me to watch the clip, and I could see why it was banned. It sucked.

Seeing how bad this movie, made in 2006 and, from what I can find out, never released, was, I nevertheless wasted an extra half hour reading about the colossal non-event eyeroll that is “Antlers of Reason: An Erotic Mystery” (logline: “the weight of a memory she never witnesses is about to be given a new shape”).

If you don’t want to register for DailyMotion, the scene features a woman being dry-humped from the back as mournful techno plays. Afterward, naked but seemingly dry and uninjured, she goes to a window and looks out. The harsh morning light illuminates her inscrutable sorrow and boringness.

You’re my friends. Don’t watch it. In fact, I’m not sure this wasn’t a hoax. I wanted to name my autobiography “The Twin Buttocks of Truth” but I might have to steal “Antlers of Reason.”

The “banned in the U.S.” refers to that scene being taken down from Youtube, apparently. I also had something erased from Youtube: Nicki Hunter was saying I could fuck her any time I wanted. While I thought it was sweet, The Man censored me.

It’s movies like this that make me never want to complain about “Not Charlie’s Angels XXX” again.

(But I’ll get over it.)

Amber Case Launches Free Website That Matches Her Swinging Spirit

Groovy swinger chick Amber Case sends along this exciting news, as well as several pictures:

Amber Chase and MXG Multi-Media proudly reintroduce AmberChaseXXX.com, not just to her adoring fans, but to the general public as well. That’s right, amberchasexxx.com is shifting from a membership based experience to a site that allows for greater access and interaction with Amber herself without the hassle of monthly charges as of October 1st 2010.