Pornollaneous 9.9.10

Too big for a Twitter post, too little for a novel, here are the week’s pornollaneous events that, taken as a whole, answer the most basic questions about our existence.

This Week: Saying Nothing, Boxcovers of Note, AVN India, Porn Goes Up A Few Tax Brackets, Observation: Lance^TM

I Had to Tell Somebody

The starlet (and no, it wasn’t Aiden Starr, who just looks good in the graphic) was dressed conservatively sexy because this was an interview and she was not on the familiar ground of a porn set. She was also not the star of the picture, but brought along as eye candy. She is a sweet person.

I tried to include her as much as I could, but when I asked her questions, she rambled. I asked about doing things for the first time on film.

“Sometimes I feel the spontanuity and sometimes I don’t,” she said. “But you really have to do it for your fans who are there for you and I just love my fans and I will do anything for them that they ask as much as I can. Sometimes you’re there and you’re not focusing on the, the … when you’re focusing on what you’re doing and looking as sexy as you can.”

I’m not saying that if she were not a very attractive person that she wouldn’t talk like this — ugly people can be incredibly incoherent — but I did wonder if my continuing to sit there respectfully, nodding, was enabling. There is a chance that some day she will need to get a non-porn job.

An unattractive person wouldn’t be given this much rope to ramble. She would be stopped and the word “spontanuity?” would be repeated back to her.

“I think people like spontanuity because they haven’t seen it before,” she said. “I like it too sometimes when I’m just being myself or working with other people.”

I hope she stays young and beautiful forever, because I never get away with that sort of thing, and I’m 23.

Who’s Watching the Whitezilla?

While I’m happy that JM Productions’ “Spermface” is not a parody of “Scarface,” I was confused by the smiley button on the boxcover. Was that supposed to have something to do with “Watchmen”?

Think about it: how much free content is out there? How many distressingly similar porn movies are released every month? The smallest confusion can doom your title to obscurity, as a customer at a 20/20 Video in Kenosha skips your movie because the boxcover isn’t clear.

Spoiler Alert: “Spermface” has to do with 165 women having their faces ejaculated on

In Hush Hush Entertainment’s “Sorry, Daddy, Whitezilla Split My Little Asshole,” Debbie White appears to say this over her shoulder to the camera as her asshole is being split by Whitezilla.

Several questions leap to mind:

1. Is she addressing me? Am I Daddy? If so, aren’t I standing way too close to Whitezilla?

2. Or is Daddy Whitezilla?

3. While all fathers are concerned about their daughters’ well-being, this seems like too much inappropriately-delivered information from an adult woman to a man she still calls “Daddy.”

4. Why is she apologizing to her father? Does he have some claim on her tiny asshole? If so, that’s just sick.

AVN begins outsourcing awards voting

This is actually not a bad thing. XCritic, a collection of porn fans who review movies according to an admirably rigid series of guidelines (as opposed to me, who will apparently lose an erection if you say “spontanuity”), will join the skeleton staff of AVN for voting in next year’s AVN Awards.

Movies released before September 30 of this year are eligible for pre-nomination here, and nominees will be voted on through November. The AVN Awards will be presented January 8, 2011 at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas.

Much has been written about the dubious integrity of AVN Awards voting, so perhaps the XCritic partnership will restore the award’s luster and resume-building potential.

Gail Dines ups porn’s value

A few years ago, AVN president Paul Fishbein was widely quoted that the porn industry brought in $12 billion annually.

He was vague on his sources, and when pundits commented that $12 billion seemed to be an awfully large amount for a business in which DVD sales fall off exponentially year after year, layoffs are industry-wide, guys who play porn versions of Barack Obama live in warehouses, and Larry Flynt doesn’t pay for his employees’ parking in the building named after him, Fishbein emphasized that number was an estimate.

Last week on KPCC’s “Air Talk,” the anti-porn activist Gail Dines estimated that porn’s yearly haul was much higher.

“I don’t cry for the porn industry,” Dines said. “They’re still making $97 billion a year, if not more.”

Dines is the author of Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked our Sexuality
I have not read this book, but don’t agree that the increased acceptance of porn in our culture has hijacked our sexuality. In fact, I think that is as hysterical as Dines’ involvement in the intellectually flaccid documentary “The Price of Pleasure.” If anything, porn has given a first-class upgrade, some drink tickets, and better headphones to our sexuality.

KPCC, based in Pasadena (a few miles down the road from Max Hardcore’s house) tends to cover porn as a newsworthy Southern California phenomenon. I don’t always agree with their coverage, but I like that they take the time.

Listen to the “Air Talk” segment here.

Observation: Lance^TM

I wish I could say that the new data entry person at Gram Ponante Towers, Helipad, Brasserie, National Forest, And Velodrome was some hot young thing that could spin this way and that while opening her almond eyes at me in load-dropping anticipation, but it’s a guy named Lance.

Recently, Lance said:

“What are all these ‘Gangbang Auditions’ movies and ‘Bukkake Tryouts’? From the come on their faces, it looks like they already have the job.”

Lance: What’s that flatware you have on your desk?
Me: That’s the Hegar Sound Set. Those are urethral dilators. You put them in your urethra —
Lance: NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.