Putting something in Kaylani Lei’s drink makes for a special evening

Stormy Daniels has such mainstream-marketable ideas for movies that I would like to see Hollywood adaptations of her porn scripts, but without the porn.

Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot.

Studio: Wicked
Director: Stormy Daniels
Starring: Kaylani Lei, Alektra Blue, Brynn Tyler, Briana Blair, Randy Spears, Alexa Nicole, Kris Slater, Brendon Miller, Barrett Blade, Stormy Daniels

Neither Kaylani Lei nor Kris Slater, as Angie and Michael, expect much from their blind date together. Her dad is his boss, and both have just gone though bad breakups. Not only that, but their exes are out to get them.

If this sounds more like a Hollywood romantic comedy than a pornographic film, you’re right. Writer/Director Stormy Daniels is hell-bent on making movies that, but for the scenes in which ejaculate bounces off Kaylani Lei’s chest, could play in your local multiplex and star Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl.

But “Blind Date” isn’t the elusive Real Film But with Sex that is the grail of all pornographers out for mainstream acceptance. There are other pieces that don’t fit, and which add up to a not-ready-for-prime-time effort.

Why, for example, do all the exes and Michael’s parents have Southern accents? That these characters are the ones in the film who are dummies isn’t my problem (porn movies are simple and stereotypes help); my problem is that the movie takes place in Los Angeles, so the presence of four unrelated people with Deep South accents doesn’t make sense.
Mike’s Dad, Ted (Randy Spears) has married Molly (Brynn Tyler), from Michael’s high school graduating class. This makes for some fun business. And Molly has just got new breasts (which Spears calls “jibblies”) that she shows off for Ted. That they are unscarred and that Ted acts as if this is the first time he has seen them doesn’t make sense.
The flames that accompany the opening credits? Doesn’t make sense.
Then there’s Barrett Blade as the stock character Loser Buddy to Michael. While Blade tries manfully to portray a slacker who lives on a couch in his mom’s basement, someone his age shouldn’t be asked to pull that off, and the fact that he is the best friend of a successful young attorney doesn’t make sense.

Naturally Angie and Mike hit it off just fine, but their respective exes, Russ (Brendan Miller, chewing scenery admirably) and Gina (the juicy and wonderful Zoe Britton in an uncredited non-sex role) join forces to make life difficult. Russ slips a roofie in Angie’s drink and she proceeds to become all the things Mike fears: an alcoholic whore just like his ex-girlfriend.

As only the lighting, but never the outcomes, are dark in Wicked movies, we needn’t worry about the future of Mike and Angie, but I would have liked to have seen Russ and Gina explore their own relationship.

And Stormy Daniels appears in a pregnant cameo; I would have liked to have seen her getting pregnant.

Slater does a great job playing Straight Man in this movie, and Lei really comes off as girlfriend material. But she wreaks havoc in her roofie delirium, and Slater ends up bailing her out of jail. She asks him how he did it (which doesn’t make sense) and he answers that there are advantages to dating an attorney.

“So,” says Angie, “we’re dating…?”

“If you’ll have me,” says Michael.

And that made the least sense of all, Readers.

Bitch, he just bailed your arsonist ass out of jail: you bet your jibblies you’re dating.