I don’t fault the rebounding porn performer Dale DaBone for hawking dick pills. Think of all the ways porn performers, most of them working class guys and girls like your dad and his girlfriend, pick up a little extra cash: there’s feature dancing, escorting, in-store appearances, nuisance lawsuits, gay-for-pay and, in Jack Lawrence’s case, vehicle rental. You can’t begrudge a brother a buck.
So it was with this spirit of rising tides raising all boats that I opened a suspicious package from North Carolina containing a bottle of Hot Rawks Superfood Male and Female Performance Enhancers.
After all, “I take Raw Nation’s Hot Rawks<sup>TM</sup>,” stated the enclosed 8 x 10 lithograph of DaBone. “Do you?”
Well, that’s all I needed. I went into the bathroom of Gram Ponante Towers, Apothecary, Brasserie, Humidor, and Yurt to take a dump. While thus occupied, I read some of Hot Rawks<sup>TM</sup>’ supporting material.
We have diligently combed the earth on a quest to find the purest herbs and highest-quality superfoods and natural aphrodisiacs available. During this process, we were actually advised against using such premium herbs because of the cost, but we were adamant to provide the public with this potent formula in its finest state.
Here is what is in Hot Rawks™:
Organic Epimedium (Horny Goat Weed), Organic, Raw Maca Root (“The ancient Incan warrior soldiers would consume this precious root before battle to make them fiercely strong, and then would be prohibited from taking it once into the city so the women would be protected from their heightened sexual appetite”), Organic Tribulus Terrestris, Organic Korean Ginseng, Organic Catuaba Bark, Organic, Raw Cayenne Powder, Organic, Raw Cacao (chocolate in its natural, unprocessed state).
Not only that, but:
Dale DaBone is back and taking over. Aside from starring in some of the hottest adult films currently on the market, he’s also endorsing a unique, new aphrodisiac supplement, Hot Rawks™.
The supporting material goes on to talk about Inca warriors, how “Hot Rawks™ is gaining popularity among young and old alike,” how Hot Rawks™ “received a nod from one of the hottest health experts out right now,” and how Hot Rawks™, despite being named Hot Rawks™, is “anything but hokey.”
As you know, I ingest anything sent to me through the U.S. Mail, so I popped a couple of tabs and prepared for my erection to break my nose.
Nothing happened.
I walked outside to see thousands of red-shirted South Koreans rallying around a Koreatown Jumbotron watching the World Cup and prepared to fight each of them with my newfound Inca warrior skills.
Nothing happened.
Finally, I said, “Where the comfort women (???) at?” and was beaten soundly with their Korean vuvuzelas.
So, I’m not saying that pornstar-endorsed enhancement pills don’t work, but – oh, wait, I am saying they don’t work. The tipoff should’ve been the Incas: whenever a dead civilization is invoked in support of something, be very wary.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Hysterical rapists – what makes them so giddy?; Cytherea – a face from the ancient gallery; In Thailand, Twister is taken seriously; Dorking out with your dork out
See also: Hot Rawks
H.P. looks pretty cross about his place in the banner. 🙂
Gentlemen:
What piping of infernal flutes brought me here, a place of seemingly stable geometries that only I, who have traveled to the most eldritch and maddening reaches of nethermost Ur (for my studies), recognize for their actual and gibbering insanitude? Yes, though I be placed aside my beloved beakers and phialls, I have no understanding (and would such understanding drive me mad? Probably – it has happened) of why my image is juxtaposed with this Dale DaBone or his weird “dick pills,” things I have only heard the faintest whispers of in the dark alleyways of Aegypt and in the foul second bibliography of That Book whose name’s mere mention sends even tenured professors here at Miskatonic University into sputtering deliria of superfrosty madness.
What was I saying?
Thank you.