Report: Porn industry making strides in milf compliance, but still unsure about cougars

Porn actress Iphigenia Squirtz enters a long, low warehouse in Canoga Park. Squirtz, 31, is a mother of two and has appeared in three milf scenes in as many days. She is greeted by Rhesus O’Brien, production manager of Turgid Pictures.

“Pictures of your kids?” O’Brien asks, not looking up. Squirtz produces several family photos on her iPhone, showing a ponytailed Squirtz with husband, dog, fireplace, and two youngsters who could very well be her offspring.

“Birth them yourself?” O’Brien asks.

“Yes,” Squirtz says, the delivery mechanical after so many repetitions. “Ages nine and four, vaginal, labor for both was three hours.”

“OK,” O’Brien says, photocopying their birth certificates, and then calls in a production assistant, a slightly overweight Mexican man named Alejandro sporting a Papas And Beer t-shirt. He raises his right hand and with the left cups one of Squirtz’ breasts.

“Is this a Mom You’d Like to Fuck?” O’Brien asks him.

“I’d Like to Fuck this Mom,” Alejandro says, looking forlorn. He’ll never get the opportunity.

“Maybe later, honey,” Squirtz says, tucking her iPhone and identification away and ignoring him for the rest of the afternoon.

“You’re all set,” O’Brien says, holding open the door to a makeshift bedroom set, where Squirtz will play a milf in Turgid’s production of “Milf-loving Tranny Cyclists.”

Since the FBI raided several Porn Valley studios last October and determined that almost 80 percent of the Valley’s milf movies were created using women who had either never given birth or by moms whom I wouldn’t want to fuck, producers have adopted standards proposed by the International MILF Registry.

These include strict motherhood requirements and the timely transition of the acronym MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) into non-proper noun status, with “milves” as the plural.

“It’s made things so much easier,” said XPlay president Jeff Mullen, whose talent form includes a special section for milves. “We even ask milves what their offspring’s gender is, because we want to be extra compliant just in case the milf regulations get more rigid.”

The milf market has grown exponentially since its tentative rollout four years ago, with performers deemed too old for “starlet” roles making dramatic and lucrative returns to the business.

“I became an office manager and didn’t get paid for blowjobs anymore,” Squirtz said of the time between her first retirement from porn at age 26 and the current milf craze. “As a woman of age, I really feel validated to be paid for sex again.”

But savvy producers like Mullen know that milf regulations leave other ill-defined categories vulnerable to federal scrutiny.

“With milves have come cougars,” Mullen said. “And that’s a whole new thing entirely.”

A category many in the adult industry feel is just as nebulous as pre-regulation milves, cougars are generally thought to be over 30, predatory, and without spawn. But there are disagreements in the Porno-American community.

“Can a milf be a cougar?” said Loup Perch-Tounge, a researcher at the Chatsworth Fisting Conservancy, a local think tank. “You’ve given birth, you’re a milf.”

But Gram Ponante, anointed by the Vatican as America’s Beloved Porn Journalist, thinks there’s a gray area.

“You can be a milf if you reproduce, but there are plenty of performers who are not yet 30 who are reluctant to be identified as milves, such as Jesse Jane or Eva Angelina,” Ponante said. “They don’t even want to be known as cougars, even though they are very aggressive, you know, sexually.”

Amid the confusion, however, there have been no porn movies recalled for fraudulent milf claims since December, and this is good for Squirtz, who now can buy her family job lots of Red Vines at Costco.

“I’m just happy no old, childless bitch is stealing my job,” she says.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: VCA unveils MILF font; Tina Tyler is only immortal for a limited time; What the Obama presidency meas to the porn industry; Who let the milves out?; Ponante announces International MILF Registry