Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island

Studio: Private
Director: Alessandro Del Mar
Cast: Silvia Saint, George Uhl, Angel Dark, Francesco Malcom, Horst Baron, Nikki Blond, YoKasta

People can be forgiven for having low expectations of porn. As long as the sex is good, that’s all that matters. That is why it is doubly cruel when a film aims high on the non-porn trappings (the story for example) and fails in both those and the sex.

The Spain-based label Private is known for interesting locales and long-leggedy women. High production value and a three-act script do nothing to make Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island any better than a tepid couples’ movie with weak scenes.

The film is told in flashback via Robinson Crusoe’s diary, which is novelized by Daniel Defoe. This is kind of interesting in a “Once And Future King”-type way.

Robinson Crusoe is unlike Grizzly Adams. First off, he admits having killed a man. Also, it’s not the mountains he winds up in but an island that looks on the map like a widened, flattened Australia. Finally, he doesn’t so much escape as he gets shipwrecked. In a voiceover, he describes his destination as a “dessert island”, foreshadowing the eye candy we hope awaits him.

Private doesn’t worry too much about getting to the sex scenes in this movie, favoring instead a long setup featuring Crusoe hobbling all around the island because, I think, the production could not find him shoes that would fit the rest of his 18th century costume. He is washed ashore with a few planks of wood and a trunk containing candles (the two stubs he unloads last a very long time), a telescope, a gun, a pen, ink, and paper. It’s like Riven with worse dialogue.

He wiles away his time thinking of more pleasant things, like comely peasant girls who blow him but look at the camera. These scenes are unsatisfying. All the girls remain partially dressed, as if the the Europe of his dreams was filled with Mormons. He also has frequent flashbacks of the man he killed in self-defense.

For eight years (he keeps forgetting) Crusoe lives alone on the island. Why is it called Sin Island again?

Finally a group of well-dressed ESL pirates show up (their map says Blood Island), leading a slave girl and a fey captured French nobleman. They are there to search for treasure. The slave girl escapes, finds Robinson, fucks Robinson, and is named Sunday. Her porn name is YoKasta.

The pairings are arbitrary and the sex is listless (except, but just barely, for Angel Dark). I have a hard time believing that’s a European thing. I guess the Euros like weak couples’ films, too. Why don’t Europeans seem to be having fun while having sex? Is it all that socialized medicine?

Anyway, Crusoe escapes with the nobleman’s mistress and sweet, doomed Sunday. They are all rescued but I guess Crusoe ditches Sunday despite her teaching him how to love again.

It’s a dumb movie.