WARSAW——Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney concluded a gaffe-ridden trip abroad by softening his earlier statements about lesbians.
[NOTE: This article is satire. I have extrapolated on true events to fabricate additional ones.]
The candidate had already rankled the British by expressing doubts about security at the London Olympics, and offended both Palestinians and Israelis by suggesting Jews are naturally better at commerce.
Then came Tuesday, when the presumptive Republican nominee brandished a copy of Digital Sin’s “Sins of Lesbians” and said: “See? Even the pornographic industry calls them sinful.”
Receiving applause from the mostly-Catholic crowd, Romney continued: “We have truly turned a corner, my friends, when the smut business agrees with us that lesbians are sinners.
“Just look at the box cover,” Romney added. “They’ve put little horns on some of the letters, and there’s a forked tail. ‘With fingers, toys, and tongues hard at work, these ladies will always succumb to the sins of lesbians,’ it says right here. Always, my friends.”
Romney’s comments brought a swift rebuke from the Organization of American Lesbians.
“Mr. Romney takes the actions of no more than ten European lipstick lesbians and proceeds to impugn the reputation of every hard-working, thoughtful, grown-ass vagitarian in a country he hopes to lead,” says Kathy Andrews-Warren. “And I bet he didn’t even watch the movie.”
Indeed, America’s Beloved Porn Journalist Gram Ponante says that the movie is tame by adult industry standards, and suggests “Sins of Lesbians” is a thoughtlessly-applied and misleading title.
“Unless they didn’t pay for the room or didn’t clean the upholstery afterward, there was no sinning here,” Ponante says. “We see no fluid whatsoever, even in the strap-on scene. These women are like skinnier Abby Winters girls with more consistent lighting, and have done nothing wrong.”
Romney huddled with advisors following the backlash and his campaign released the following statement:
“Mitt Romney cannot watch every pornographic film and, like millions of porn consumers worldwide, was mislead by the lack of agreement between the title and the content. He is grateful—as are all Americans—to Gram Ponante and has always respected the Olympic contributions of lesbians.”
- Buy “Sins of Lesbians” here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: I am reminded that I predicted Obama’s election in 2007; How Lesbians Work
See also: Digital Sin