Times have changed, and the lesbians I remember from my summer job at the Post Office have been replaced by Sasha Heart’s lipstick variety: catlike, elegant, and unlikely to file for disability. They also have sex with each other (seriously: don’t work a federal job if you want to come out with a good impression of lesbians. Or men. Or anyone).
Heart’s “Fetish” may be four scenes of eight straight girls lezzing it up for a male audience but what, I ask you, is the alternative? Ms. Heart (who also stars) knows her audience, and presents a stylized world full of plucked hairs, firm, manageable breasts, and none of the dirty feet you’d find at Lilith Fair. In other words, this is not real, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying the living shit out of “Lord of the Rings,” either.
Arch Violet Monroe and inked Nikki Hearts start the movie with a couch tryst in which both sport nail polish that matches their hair. Monroe’s red polish is on her toes, which she proceeds to tenderly nudge into alterna-chick Hearts’ mouth and pussy.
If I were her substitute teacher, Hearts would be the one that would roll her eyes at me and get me fired when I make her a mix CD of The Shins. Monroe wouldn’t even let me get that far.
The director is featured with Bliss Dulce in Scene Two, a pairing that begins with a rear-view “going to work” shot of their beautiful, improbable legs in lingerie, followed by several symmetrical poses in what appears to be a house for sale.
I personally like a sense of abandon in porn movies (and in life, as I am a hedonist slob) but the choreography of this scene was special, as I felt I was witnessing two pros who knew how to touch each other. The dress, the movement, and even the furniture placement were all regimented as befits a fetish scene, and I appreciated both the restraint and the telltale signs of job satisfaction.
If Heart’s scene was controlled, Layla Price and Hayden Marie are comparatively off the deep end. Bonding over a tray of carrot muffins, the juicy Price (I could watch her frankly raise her eyebrows all day) and Marie revel in each other’s lush (but shaved!) ladyparts. It’s my favorite scene simply because Price looks just a bit devious — like she has a secret — and I am attracted to untrustworthy people.
The finale features Heart, lesbian darling Ela Darling, and virginal Carmen Callaway in a tub, wearing masks (though I can still tell who they are). This scene titillated me in the way women who make out the next stool over at the Saddle Ranch titillate me (and that happens every 20 minutes, like it’s the fountain show at the Bellagio). Is it “fetish” the way I have come to understand fetish? No, but — like the entire movie — it just looks good no matter what genre it’s aiming for. If Sasha Heart had called this “MILF” or “Asian” or “Uncircumcised Black Guys,” it would still look really good.
“Sasha Heart’s Lesbian Fetish Show” will not make you go out and buy the Indigo Girls’ catalog (because you probably already have it, and your name is Michael Stipe). And perhaps “Lesbian” and “Fetish” should have an asterisk beside them. But it will encourage you to think differently about the staff of the National Park Service, and want to invest in a larger tub.
· Buy “Sasha Heart’s Lesbian Fetish Show” here