CHATSWORTH, Calif (April 1) — America’s Beloved Porn Journalist has inked a deal with Massachusetts-based porn powerhouse Wicked Vivid to write and direct “This Ain’t L. Ron Hubbard: The Greatest Load Ever Blown.”
“I have always been a fan of sacred texts,” ejaculates Engram Ponante over lunch at a trendy Hollywood eatery. “And while the 66 books of the Bible remain the most fecund source material for my erotic offerings, I think Porn Valley can lend something special to ‘Dianetics.'”
The challenges of bringing “The Greatest Load Ever Blown” briefly to the screen and then to torrent sites would be daunting to other directors, but not to Ponante, whose script and direction for 2010’s “The Facts of Life XXX” won Nobel Prizes in categories the Nobel Committee hadn’t had before or since.
“We’ve got Hillary Scott, our billion-year contract girl, coming back to porn for several smoking boat scenes on the Sea Orgasm, and I will be playing L. Ron Hubbard myself because I’ve still got some Templar robes from when I directed ‘Foucault’s Frenulum.'” There’s going to be an epic gangbang sequence in space where thousands of Thetans stand around OT-8ing until they go Clear all over some hot Suppressive Person’s face and then she’ll scoop it off into E-Meter cans. It will also be educational. We’re even doing this nod to ‘Prometheus’ where a pregnant character gives herself a miscavige.”
The project boasts a budget of somewhere between $12,500 and $1 million, depending on whether or not Ponante springs for health insurance. Oh wait that’s Christian Science.
“Audit”ions for female lead Xenude will take place at Ponante Towers, Salmon Ladder & Hatchery, Heliport, Moonbase, DC-8 Repurposing Facility, And Celebrity Center next week.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Crucifellatio: It’s Origin And Basis in Science; Scrotox And Fellatio Dogs; Thomas Aquinas Becomes Digital Playground Contract Saint
I’d download it.