In addition to closing National Park Service sites and furloughing federal employees, the government shutdown that went into effect this morning has closed the Fellatio Dog Program, which congressional Republicans call “the Blowjob Entitlement.”
(This article was first published in February 2012)
The American Porno-Industrial Complex has long taken credit for being an engine of innovation. How else would VHS or the Internet have become popular, Big Porn asks, without us?
Regardless of whether those claims are true they are, like Traci Lords in several films, about 15 years old. Still, a recent trip to the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas revealed that porn still has its fingers way up the needs of American consumers.
This year, the annual AEE took place in an aisleless jumble of booths at the Hard Rock Hotel And Casino. Several unlicensed vendors stood at a distance from the displays of tentpole sponsors Evil Angel and Digital Playground.
It was there we found Scrotox Solutions, a firm that injects Botulinum toxin into the scrotum.
“No one wants to look at an old nutbag,” says Scrotox founder “Fat” Tara Temeculant. “We need the scrotum to be high, tight, and expressionless.”
And Scrotox is not a product cynically introduced to create a need, Temeculant says, like antidepressants or Scientology.
“You don’t want your nuts to hit the toilet water before your butt hits the seat,” she says. “Or so I’ve read.”
Lee Roy Myers, winner of multiple adult industry awards for his porn parodies, tweeted “Thinking of getting botox in my scrotum so it looks younger.”
While Scrotox—whose motto is “Bote Yer Scrote”—and its competitors are not approved by the FDA, Temeculant claims brisk business from aging male porn stars, owners of both Humvees and Audi TT convertibles, and personal injury lawyers.
Each treatment costs $450 and lasts for as long as three months.
“We’ll zap as many sacs as we can before we have to leave town,” Temeculant says.
But Scrotox is just one service more likely to find early adopters among consumers of adult entertainment; the convention floor and its adjacent nooks are filled with purveyors of not-ready-for-mallwalker products.
Across the bazaar and barely noticed by porn stars sinking into the low-pile carpeting on Lucite heels, Loup Perch-Tounge maintains a small booth in the corner. At his feet lies Ginger, a Certified Fellatio Dog.
Perch-Tounge started Fellatio Dogs for the Disabled (FDD) when he returned from the first Gulf War.
“My helper dog was my best friend,” says Perch-Tounge, recalling Boots, a black lab provided by the Veterans’ Administration to assist the semi-paralyzed Perch-Tounge in getting around his native Oklahoma City.
“I was lonely, and Boots was willing,” he says, ruffling Ginger’s fur. “One thing led to another.”
Perch-Tounge collected money from family, friends, and fellow veterans, teaching Boots and several other large-breed dogs how to fellate non-ambulatory men. There was a learning curve as Perch-Tounge experimented with smaller breeds.
“Cocker spaniels were too excitable, basset hounds too lazy, and those Hollywood handbag accessory dogs,” he says, “just had too-small mouths.”
FDD partner Gord Ham, a retired Air Force Major, says that Blowjob Dogs aren’t just for veterans, but the animals are trained to sniff out Loneliness.
“This is America,” he says, “where anyone with two functional legs can get a blowjob. FDD is about matching a good, sensitive dog with someone whose last hummer had a machine gun mounted on it.”
Each Fellatio Dog undergoes six weeks of training in a facility near Red River, Perch-Tounge says. Males and females are certified based on their Initiative, Technique, and a measure called “Dentility.”
“Sometimes teeth are good,” Perch-Tounge says. “Sometimes teeth are bad.”
A certified Fellatio Dog costs $3,000, and is delivered with all its shots, neutered or spayed, anywhere in the country, except Virginia, says Ham, “because of Michael Vick.
“And I tell people in Virginia, ‘These dogs are lovers, not fighters.'”
FDD’s most popular dog, sent to a paraplegic veteran in Maine, was a German Shepherd dubbed Rimjob Tin Tin.
Detractors say the Fellatio Dog program amounts to nothing more than Bestiality. In town to promote an advertising campaign by former porn star Sasha Grey, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) spokesperson Jade Fox tried to get the FDD booth shut down.
“It’s a no-brainer,” says Fox, who interrupted a demonstration between Perch-Tounge and Ginger. “Human genital contact with dogs is unethical. Where is the dignity? When she gets it right, do you reward her with food?”
“Not food, exactly,” said Perch-Tounge.
Like Scrotox, Fellatio Dogs is unregulated and unrecognized by the government, and Maj. Ham admits that “nothing more than a strong wind could shut us down.”
But the line of wheelchair-bound men snaking around the booth, behind which could be heard the gentle baying of hounds, was unmistakeable.
“Not that what we’re doing isn’t consensual,” Ham adds.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Crucifellatio—its origin and basis in science