Someone’s in the shower with Stoya, and other stories from Webmaster Access West

I realize that only tiny pockets of my vast worldwide readership care about the mechanics of the porn world that doesn’t involve the women on camera, so the past few days’ coverage is only valuable to scholars, law enforcement officials, and the clergy.

“Grams, are you saying that people will mill around a hotel and convention center for three days without seeing some 20-year-old being vixenish?” you might well ask. So here are some shots from the Booze Cruise portion of Webmaster Access West.

The delightful Stoya was on hand to greet guests at Digital Playground’s suite. Digital Playground has for years not capitalized on its online image and video libraries, so is now entering the online realm via contract girl websites (like Stoyaxxx.com) and its own affiliate network (digitalplaygroundcash.com). But that means nothing to you.

What matters most is that, after I got my drink (the Booze Cruise involved walking between the 7th and 8th floors of the Sheraton Universal and stopping in sponsored suites for drinks like it was the porn version of Halloween, which it most certainly was) I went straight to the bathroom, because that was the only place to breathe in such tight quarters.

Stoya was there, too, and I demanded she get in the shower. She told me all about her recent trip to Serbia and detailed the traveling she’d be doing to promote Pirates 2 over the next several months.

If Stoya comes to your town, you should meet her. You’ll think: I like that Stoya. Then ask her about me. Say, “Is Gram really as black as they say he is?”

In the suite sponsored by affiliate network Flashcash I encountered Ashley Steel. Many people think that Steel is only a presence online, like a delightful flaw in the Matrix. But she is real. I first met her on the set of Atomic Vixens 700 years ago, by Porn Reckoning.

I asked Steele and these two Inuit women for a variety of poses, culminating with the “Pretend You’re Preparing to Blow Me” pose.

Among Flashcash’s promotions is a series of videos by a man named Hoobie who is “famous in pickup artist circles” or “the pickup artist community” for his methodical and successful strategies for picking up ladies, or “the ladies.”

Because I am America’s Beloved Porn Journalist and tethered to no company and all companies, I am going to watch Hoobie’s tutorial and document my successes as well as (more likely) my legally actionable failures.

Here is adult personality Tony Batman at Flashcash’s open bar. It appears that the bartender will die in seven days.

At a lonely room at the end of the hall stood the XBiz suite. Inside was an ice bowl full of XBuzz Energy Drink.

“Where do you get these things?” I asked the XBiz employee.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Our promotions department does it all. You should have one.”

“I can’t,” I said. “They are too much like art. I would feel sacrilegious drinking one.”

“The take one with you,” he said (it was just me and him and a lot of snacks in the room).

“I can’t just fill my office with tchotchkes from adult conventions,” I said, resolving to throw away my can of Deep Throat energy drink as soon as I got into the office the next day (which I did). I mean, what was I thinking? “The energy drink that tastes like Linda Lovelace’s clitoris”?

Then I thought, “What sort of swag should AVN have?” I’m thinking branded alpacas.

After discovering that the bathroom was the place to be, I made sure to hold court in each tiny suite’s bathroom. Here I am with publicist Dusty Marie and, apparently, an oncoming train.

Webmaster Access West was a fun and informative convention, and tonight it culminated with a visit to the Playboy Mansion. I didn’t go. Having been to the Playboy Mansion a few times, the thrill is gone. The grotto smells like my junior high locker room and the peacocks make a sound that is disconcertingly like the weeping of children (which also reminds me of my junior high school locker room).

Taking my leave, I asked Stoya to reenact not the shower scene from Psycho but any one of thousands of gonzo movies in which we see the hand of the mouth-breathing director reaching out to paw at the talent.

“Ohhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuck,” I said, reading from the script. “Fuuuuuuuuuck. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Turn around. Ohhhhh Jesus. Fuuuuuuuuuck!“

And just like that, I was nominated for Best Screenplay.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Stoya finds cigarettes, pierogies; Nothing happening yet; What webmasters can teach us; Pirates 2 review
See also: Webmaster Access West, Digital Playground Cash, Flashcash, Stoya