The cover of “Alexis Ford: American Made” is gorgeous, but it goes downhill from there.
As America’s Beloved Porn Journalist, I am delighted to tell you that most porn stars are much cooler in person than they seem in their movies, where they can often appear retarded. Such is the case with Alexis Ford, the brand new Adam & Eve contract star that I enjoyed meeting in Las Vegas and who, in her contract star debut, the fairly-awful “American Made,” isn’t given the credit for being a smart chick from New York.
The plot involves Ford and Nicole Ray as girl mechanics who service wealthy Tommy Gunn’s fleet of expensive motorized vehicles. Ray, whom I assure you is a whipsmart young lady from Illinois, delivers her lines as if she has suffered a stroke. Along the way Ford meets Gunn’s business manager, Justine Joli, who is the lone female cast member to not appear to have been spoon-fed her lines.
Director Jim Malibu made 2008’s very good “Roller Dollz,” so why does Ford’s coming out movie seem so slapped together? Doesn’t she deserve more?
“American Made” is as bad an example of mainstream porn as “Rawhide II” is a good one. And it features an only-in-porn move that I hate.
Male porn consumers of any age share something with their inner pubescent: any nudity goes a long way, and you really have to try to fuck it up. One way to fuck it up in a porn movie is to over-telegraph sexuality. I have identified three unnecessary and criminal porn tropes that make otherwise pretty women seem like they’re trying too hard:
- Biting their own fingertips (as if to say, “I need to bite my fingertip in order to restrain myself from fucking you. This is so much better than the hockey mask the nuns made me wear”)
- Slapping their own asses (like a car that kicks its own tire. Thanks, but I am not going to take your word for your ass’s resiliency to slapping. I will slap your ass myself, thank you very much), and
- (New for 2010!) Sucking air through their teeth. This overtelegraphs the dizzying sexual ecstasy the performer (and her director) wants you to know she is feeling.
Ford sucks in so much air during her scene with Joli that I was surprised Joli herself didn’t need to be extricated from Ford’s throat like a caterpillar pod in “Silence of the Lambs.” And, since the scene was shot in a bathroom, the shrill sucking sound bounced off the tiles to make it sound like the Weird Sisters scene in “MacBeth.”
THAT’S RIGHT. I SAID “MACBETH.”
- Buy “Alexis Ford: American Made” (includes a no-sound option) here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Alexis Ford gets ready for her closeup; Nicole Ray just is
See also: Adam & Eve
Thank the gods- I thought we were the only ones who found the air-sucking thing irritating and distracting. The only time I make that sound involves minor accidents; i.e. toe-stubbing, bumping my knuckles against a hot pan, etc. *None* of these things are sexy in any way, and neither is air-sucking during porn.
I do think it’s all relative: I have never, ever, found high heels sexy in porn, even if that’s all they’re wearing (real life is another story), but I assumed someone–a lot of people–must, so I just accept it. Goes the other way, too: I personally like a good self-slapped ass.
I believe we can all agree that air-sucking air-sucks, however.