Alternate universe XRCO Awards deemed “elegant”

I regret not having attended this week’s 27th annual XRCO Awards (I had to make an emergency airport run), but I am heartened to know I couldn’t have been there anyway, as I live in this universe.

2011 XRCO AWARDS: AN ELEGANT AFFAIR reads the headline from Pipeline Multimedia, the XRCO’s official publicity organ. I am sure that in some dimension far removed from my own, in which women who spread their anuses for cameras while warm Spring zephyrs blow up Hollywood Blvd. and into their colons are thought of as regal, where awards presenters screaming “Will you shut the fuck up?” from the podium are displaying elocution crafted in the finest schools, and where James Bartholet is regarded as a singular talent, the XRCO Awards were, in fact, elegant.

But not in this one.

I have attended the previous six XRCO Awards and I am a longstanding XRCO voter. I love the XRCO Awards. But to call this fundamental clusterfuck of a hedonistic, shrieking trainwreck “elegant” is to forget that any venue that allows Bill Margold through its doors ought to be shut down by the City, burned to the ground, and have its remnant soil sown with salt to prevent future abominations.

To call the XRCO Awards (or any adult awards show for that matter—I was working at AVN when editor Jared Rutter called AVN’s awards show “elegant”—and this was back when people actually read AVN!—and determined to be wrongfully terminated then and there) elegant is to call that limousine full of drunk high school girls throwing up out of each window and the sunroof elegant. It is to call a zirconia classy, “The Da Vinci Code” literature, or yourself America’s Beloved Porn Journalist.

I called my friend Wayne Hentai, who is the publicist for, among others, Orgasmic Analist winner Bobbi Starr.

“I’m reading the Internet,” I said to Hentai, “and it says the 2011 XRCO Awards were ‘elegant.'”

“They were not,” said Hentai. “Somebody said ‘Shut the fuck up’ within five minutes.”

“Is that a record?” I said.

“I think it is,” Hentai said (he should know; he’s been in the business longer than I have).

“What else happened?” I asked.

“Well, James Bartholet gave an impromptu eulogy to Hunter Bryce, and said that she was looking down from Heaven at us.”

I let that sit for a minute.

“You still there?” Wayne said.

“Yeah,” I said. “Hold on.”

Hunter Bryce was a beautiful woman who herself was nominated in the Orgasmic Oralist category just last year. She was 30 when she was found dead in her apartment on Wednesday. The Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office has not completed its review but reports that there were initially no signs of trauma.

Bryce will doubtless be celebrated in her native Pittsburgh by people who knew her as Kathryn Sue Johnston, and by her many friends in the adult industry. But Oh God, I can’t think of a worse place to have my eulogy read than in front of a group of people who for the previous 26 years have been nothing but indifferent to what is happening onstage.

“When I die—” began Hentai.

“—I will deposit your virgin body back into the Hawaiian volcano from which it sprang, rather than deliver your obituary before presenting the Teen Cream Dream award,” I said.

Come to think of it, Bryce took her nom de porn from writer Hunter S. Thompson, so perhaps she might have appreciated the context of her eulogy. Maybe that’s why she was smiling down at the not-shutting-the-fuck-up crowd.

Still, it wasn’t elegant.

I look forward to 2012’s XRCO Awards, at which I wouldn’t be surprised if a donkey is shot and gutted onstage and there is a 44-MILF Urine Gangbang while each of the Heart On girls is set on fire and I assfuck the Unsung Starlet as she texts her dad, just as long as they’re as urbane as I remember.

For a complete list of XRCO award winners, visit XRCO.com.

(I am indebted to the excellent photographer Rick Garcia for his lurid and compelling photos of debauchery.)

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: But it’s our clusterfuck—XRCO 2010
See also: XRCO, Rick Garcia

Hitler is porn’s next crossover star

I am beginning to feel that Adolf Hitler is Wurming his way back into public consciousness through porn. First Stoya’s Hakenkreuz Schamhaare, now Megan Fox.

Maybe some people who’ve been around the business longer can comment on this, but years ago it did not seem like mainstream celebrities were as often compared to porn stars as they are now. Why is that?

Perhaps because of insightful and elegant websites like Porn Valley Observed, consumers are now much more aware of the offscreen personalities of porn performers, and they realize that their mainstream idols are more similar than not to their gaping, fisting, squirting counterparts.

No one ever said, back in 1984, that it was just a matter of time before “Gimme A Break”‘s Nell Carter did porn. But Britney Spears? Paris Hilton? Megan Fox? The clock is ticking.

Because I attribute to Asians the great wisdom Stephen King gives to ten-year-olds, I listened in rapt attention to porn publicist Wayne Hentai as he broke down what makes “Transformers” star Megan Fox a shoo-in for porn.

“She has the ready-made name of a porn star,” Hentai said. “She has all the bad tattoos of a porn star, and she has the attitude of a porn star… with a contract.”

Fox said that working with director Michael Bay on the “Transformers” movies “was like working with Hitler.” Then, three longtime employees of Bay’s defended him by saying, among other things:

“Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we’ve had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it’s very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) easily another 45 minutes in the chair!”

Bay responded to both the Hitler comment and his defenders by politely negating both.

“I don’t condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don’t condone Megan’s outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm.”

Hentai feels that Bay and Fox are locked in a particularly porny dance familiar to anyone who has watched a contract star being wheeled out of The Sands on a stretcher, trailing cocaine. 

“By saying Fox has a ‘crazy charm,’ sounds not unlike a porn studio mogul swatting off overdose rumors at the AEE show,” Hentai said, “only Bay makes (somewhat) better movies.”

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Stoya finds pierogies, cigarettes in Philadelphia; Does Aryan have the reich stuff?; “TMSleaze” is a sign of the times; Britney Spears continues to hold out hope of immaculate conception
See also: Michael Bay

Getting physical with Bree Olson

Today, in a warehouse in downtown Los Angeles, Bree Olson took a mousy, fearful college girl and turned her into some sex-caked harlot who will attain no more applicable skills at her university other than fucking the shit out of you.

Like ZZ Top and Stockard Channing, Bree Olson’s character in [an Adam & Eve production of an Andre Madness film] “Bree’s College Daze 3″ is a change agent. She descends on a situation, assesses its posibilities, and then acts. In this case, she made Dani Jensen who, in Act I, was an affable but bespectacled (of course) and socially inept scholar, into a stank-craving skank by the end credits.

In between the 13-day “Rawhide II” and now, Madness has directed four movies. This is a quickie at two days, but the film has heart.

“I think the first ‘Bree’s College Daze’ sold like a hundred thousand copies,’ said publicist extraordinaire Wayne Hentai with practiced casualness, his eyes even traveling up and to the left on the word ‘think,’ as if accessing information for the first time. “It’s gotten a great response.”

Hentai is one of four people still left working in the adult industry.

So Olson’s character never seems to attain a degree, but instead transfers in and out of colleges, getting in adventures. In “Bree’s College Daze 3,” for example, the voluptuous blondie helps women at an all-girls’ school get in touch with their femininity by any means necessary.

I was on hand during an aerobics sequence in which several fitness model extras joined Olson in some calisthenics. At that time, Jensen makes platonic overtures to Olson, who promptly forces her into a girls’ shower gangbang that was like “Carrie” without the telekinesis and pigs.

You will forgive me for these photos. Someone very close to me discovered an aperture setting I until today was not aware of.

I think Bree Olson is delicious. One wants to ride her like a flesh toboggan. But her presence in a room full of toned extras executing gym routines emphasized the difference between Porn Pretty and Magazine Pretty. The non-sex extras were Magazine Pretty but people like Olson, Caitlin Cash, Jensen, and Nicole Ray were voted most likely to deliver. By me.

“I never thought I was that cute,” said Nicole Ray. I took the bait.

“Oh but you are,” I said.

“I was 18 in Illinois and someone told me I’d be good for porn,” she said. “And the only way to get out of my town was as a trucker – and you always come back – or in the military – and you always come back – or in a body bag.”

But it was at a Cavefest in Murphysboro’s Shawnee Cave that Ray learned another marketable skill: Sock Poi Spinning.

“Somebody taught me one trick,” she said, “and now I can do this anywhere.”

Indeed, Ray had a pair of long socks each weighted with a ball that she spun like a martial artist. I thought of the party tricks I could do, like drawing a map of the United States or eating all your food, and realized I had little to offer by comparison.

Nicole Ray is a bundle of energy. I met her on the set of “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories.”

“I was with Chris Charming,” she said. “His cock was too big. I felt like I had food poisoning. It was way up in my stomach.”

With real sadness, I thought: I just broke up with Nicole Ray.

Still, I said, “You should be the poster girl for Women Who Like Men with Smaller Penises. It would be a real service to them.”

“I totally should!” she said. Earlier she had an even better business idea: “Square stripper poles,” she said. “Think about it.”

The room was hot and sweaty, but in a good way. Bree thinks “Bree’s College Daze 3″ will be released around February. I took picture after picture, but none captured the perspiration, nudity, or sense of redemption I personally felt.

“They don’t need pictures to feel the power of your words, Grams,” Bree Olson did not say.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Nicole Ray just is; “The Five“; Aloha spirit on the Vazquez Rocks
See also: Adam & Eve

Anatomically incorrect: In the Realm of the Senses on Criterion

Self-hating Asian Wayne Hentai, writing on Asian Juicebox.com, hipped me to the fact that the 1976 socio-erotic thriller In the Realm of the Senses has been released in a Criterion edition.

In the Realm of the Senses
did for kitchen utensils what Last Tango in Paris did for butter, and Hentai describes the movie as “the first movie I was exposed to that made me aware of films that … didn’t shy away from sex or use it a gimmick.”

Despite its Cremaster-inducing ending (censored in Japan), the Criterion release gave me an opportunity for hope and renewal.

Like you, I was saddened to learn this weekend of Bea Arthur’s death. Sadder, in fact, because someone on the web already beat me to the headline “And Then There Wasn’t Maude.”

But to my knowledge no one has yet laid claim to the title of my culto-erotic documentary on Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment, “In the Yelm of the Senses.” So I thank Ramtha for that (and for not having my dick cut off).

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Asian Fever 36; Japanese porn awards honor Kirara Asuka, prayer; Today in Bitches – now they’re pissed off and Japanese
See also: In the Realm of the Senses Given Criterion Treatment

Lexington Steele tries to be all things to all people

Lexington Steele needs to make a stand. Even though his new movie, MILF Magnet 2, cannily advertises both milves (women who have had children) and cougars (women of a certain age), thus making the statement that there is a difference, it doesn’t go far enough.

As you can see, the boxcover says “All MILF! All Cougar!” That’s a strong statement if it’s true.

I spoke with Wayne Hentai, Steele’s press agent from the firm Plan 9 Media Group.

Hentai: From what I understand, MILFs have kids. Cougars do not. Since I don’t know the maternal disposition of the women in MILF Magnet 2, anything goes.

Me: Well, I’m willing to believe that a woman who identifies herself as a MILF is actually a MILF.

Hentai: You trust people.

Me: In your opinion is there an age requirement for Milves and cougars? It would seem to me that you could be an 18 year old MILF, technically, but at what age does a non-breeder woman become a cougar, or is it a skin density issue?

Hentai: It’s more an existential question — when are YOU ready to be called a MILF/cougar?

Me: I’m asking the questions here!

Hentai: I’d say a MILF must be over 27. That’s about when girls start getting serious about pushing out the puppies and breeding, isn’t it?

Me: I think it depends on what part of the country you’re from and your social/religious/educational/financial status. Also if anyone wants to have sex with you.

Hentai: And for a cougar; I don’t know. Early-to-mid-30s. You need to ask someone who has sex.

Me: Thanks for your time.

So according to Hentai, cougars can’t be milves. Therefore the legend “All Cougar! All MILF!” is erroneous. Luckily no one cares about this except me. What matters is that Lexington Steele fucks them while wearing his sunglasses while one puts her finger in her mouth and the other recovers from a head wound.

Watch Lexington Steele – MILF Magnet #2
Buy Lexington Steele – MILF Magnet #2



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Previously: Lex launches latest load litany, lensing lipward-lofting love loogies
See also: Lexington Steele

Conversations with porn writers: Why Alexis Texas’ ass subverts the dominant paradigm

Rarely does porn dare to examine college life. Usually it goes straight from high school to MILFhood. But Ashlynn Goes to College 2 is different. It deals tenderly with issues of class, privilege, and giving lapdances to gang members.

I had a thoughtful conversation with Wayne Hentai, the screenwriter of this movie. I didn’t let the cult of celebrity surrounding porn screenwriters like so many barnacles on a battleship dissuade me from asking the hard questions.

GP: Did you have sex with Ashlynn Brooke to understand her essence for the movie?

Hentai: No. No, I didn’t.

GP: What did you want to say to America with this film? I notice that you have Alexis Texas playing a cable repair person – a role traditionally reserved for men.

WH: I wanted to make a statement against the patriarchy and the occupational stereotypes that permeate porn.

GP: Yes, yes.

WH: It’s very revolutionary when you think about it.

GP: I am thinking about it. But that scene in the narrative landscape of the movie, that scene with Tommy Gunn and Alexis Texas, neither of whom you see or hear about again, well, it didn’t need to happen, did it?

WH: It did, in its own way, because you get to look at Alexis Texas’ ass. Isn’t that a reason unto itself?

See the review of Ashlynn Goes to College 2 here.

Previously: A Night of Heroes
See also: New Sensations, Hentai PR