Tera Patrick’s Twilight Zone

“The couple should start by kissing each other as they normally do,” suggests Tera Patrick in her new Playboy TV instructional show, School of Sex. “Look for the clitoris and stimulate it. Deborah, enjoy this pleasure.”

Tera is the Rod Serling of this effort. She introduces couples’-friendly segments on three-ways and sensual massage, etc. which are then performed by a “Sex Team.” But, unlike the Twilight Zone host, Patrick did not write the segments. At least I hope she didn’t. Because the script is awful.

“Britney, your tongue should be inside Deborah’s vagina,” Patrick says.

The format of the show is really weird. Set in what appears to be a conference room of the future, Patrick stands at one end while the Sex Team maneuvers on a mat in the middle. Tera’s dubbed voice then makes suggestions.

The effect is such that I wondered if Tera was even in the same room. Since my greenscreen knowledge is limited to Pirates 2, I consulted someone at Playboy after Evan Seinfeld refused to answer my question.

Gram: Was Tera even in that goddamn room?
Playboy: No green screen was used in the filming of School of Sex. The program was filmed in Buenos Aires and Tera was on the set along with the sex teams. The format is the same as the Playboy TV Latin America production named S.O.Sex. The host in the original production and the American version does not directly interact with the sex teams. In many of the episodes, you will notice Tera and the sex teams are in several cross shots together. The sex team is in the foreground at times and in the background at other times.

Perhaps you will agree with me when I say that Tera Patrick is an attractive woman. Which is why not seeing her as part of the action is disappointing. I am not ready for her to go the elder stateswoman route, especially if it involves her making helpful suggestions like:

“Don’t be afraid to discover her intimate parts. How about using your hands to open the lips?”

Eventually it inspires a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 need to shout at the screen.

“Thanks, Tera! I was going to use these salad calipers but you’re right – I should use my hands.”

If you are a couple that needs this sort of advice, there’s a chance that you are already beyond help, and should probably stick to making that salad instead. Warning flags might also go up if you have an INXS tattoo and you aren’t actually a member of INXS.

“If you want, you can start getting into the mood by massaging your pelvis,” Tera says. “But don’t get undressed.”

Stop following your own advice, Tera.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Gram Ponante sold to Playboy; Jandi Lin talks about Foursome
See also: Playboy, Tera Patrick

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*