The Great Garden State Porn Experiment

In anticipation of a bold pornthropological experiment I will be undertaking this very afternoon, let me tell you the ten things – and only ten things – I already know about the state of New Jersey:

1. I watched every season of “The Sopranos.”
2. I have every Bruce Spingsteen album up to and including “Live 1975-1985.”
3. I saw Bon Jovi at the Meadowlands within the past eight years.
4. I know that Evil lurks in the Pine Barrens.
5. Once got a speeding ticket trying to get off the fucking Garden State Parkway.
6. I read a lot of books by Philip Roth.
7. Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike, I realized they’ve all gone to look for America.
8. “So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the children must be crying in the land where they let the children cry, and tonight the stars’ll be out, and don’t you know that God is Pooh Bear? the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty.”
9. Having lived in New York City, I have derision for bridge and tunnel people.
10. Well, our fathers fought the Second World War (and) spent their weekends on the Jersey Shore.

And here is what I know about the show “Jersey Shore,” which has spawned the two porn parodies I will be watching in a few hours:

1. Nothing. I have never seen it.

For the first time an American Porn Journalist will watch a porn parody unencumbered by expectations of how it compares to the source material.

Stay tuned! In the intervening hours I will be working on my NEA and MacArthur Foundation grants.

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Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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  1. “Listen up, Douche-ass”: Rating the “Jersey Shore” porn parodies | Porn Valley Observed con Gram Ponante

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