I once had a girlfriend who was really into office supplies (ours was a Cronenbergian relationship). So it was she that I called when I received the SaSi, a marital aid that looked like it would be right at home in the secret Staples catalogue.
The SaSi is a G-spot vibrator that looks a lot like a wireless mouse. But, where the latter has a laser scanner flush with the surface, the devilish SaSi has a revolving nub. So up there on the desktop you could be scrolling through spreadsheets but underneath it’s all pivot tables, baby.
Furthermore, the SaSi learns the way you like it and remembers the massage pattern your parts are most in agreement with.
“Somewhere you learned that thing about tracing the alphabet,” my test subject said. “That was very thoughtful, but it wasn’t the most effective.”
Damn Cyrillic, I thought.
“But it’s very easy to clean,” said my fastidious friend with wonder and showed me, with one hand cupped just so, something that has been obvious to thoughtful people, now, for more than a decade: masturbating and mouse-clicking can look pretty similar.
The SaSi’s nub simulates the feeling of a tongue, says the literature, and my friend agreed, but added (and I knew this) that she really likes to be penetrated.
“This product is for romance novel women who have some patience,” she said, “and patience really pays off with the SaSi.”
So was this a recommendation?
“You know me,” she said. “I like ‘The Dalliance of The Eagles’:
(Skirting the river road, (my forenoon walk, my rest,)
Skyward in air a sudden muffled sound, the dalliance of the eagles,
The rushing amorous contact high in space together,
The clinching interlocking claws, a living, fierce, gyrating wheel,
Four beating wings, two beaks, a swirling mass tight grappling,
In tumbling turning clustering loops, straight downward falling,
Till o’er the river pois’d, the twain yet one, a moment’s lull,
A motionless still balance in the air, then parting, talons loosing,
Upward again on slow-firm pinions slanting, their separate diverse flight,
She hers, he his, pursuing.) – Walt Whitman
– the SaSi is good for a long night and a bath and a glass of wine and a good long rubout. Plus, women in their 20’s will probably get off on programming it.”
“So it would be good for geeky girls with a little patience and sensitive, simmering clitorises?” I said (barely above a whisper, really).
“Yeah,” she said. “Do you want to bring one back?”
“Yeah,” I said.
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