The Unfortunate Typecasting of Eric Swiss

Eric Swiss tongue-punching breakfast
Eric Swiss tongue-punching breakfast
I have always liked the performer Eric Swiss. He’s a goddamned rascal. I bumped into him at the XBiz Awards and told him that I liked the sociopath weasel roles he was appearing in recently. They’re always fun to watch.

His face darkened. “The problem is, I get too many of those,” he said. “I’m getting typecast as That Guy.”

I understand. Work is tough to come by, and while Swiss might get every role available for an evil stepdad—these are roles more or less originated by L.A. bus driver-turned porn icon Dirty Harry—he is a versatile actor in danger of becoming imprisoned by his great facility with creepo roles.

How can I help Eric Swiss? I thought. After all, it was Swiss who looked out for me during my Long Night of the Bowl nearly four years ago.

“Hold on a minute,” Swiss said.

Conversations at these affairs take about two minutes, and then all parties need to move on. Eric headed over to the red carpet and I talked with Kylie Ireland who, as I remember, also has a red carpet.

About an hour later, Swiss and I met again. He was very happy about something. I had also thought of a way he mightn’t be typecast any longer. But he went first.

“Did you see Sunny Lane?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“She looks good,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“You know what I did?” he said. “Right there on the red carpet, I just got down and tongue-punched her fart locker.”

“You what-what her what?” I said.

“I tongue-punched her fart locker,” he repeated, adding, “Perfect little fart locker.”

It is not that I judge anyone who engages in oral stimulation of the anus, even if that’s not something I’ve added to my repertoire. In fact, one of my first stories for this site concerned a visit to the set of Analingus Blumpkinhead.” But I realized there was no advice I could give Eric Swiss to keep him from being typecast.

Later that evening, as I cock-draped a split-crotch trailer skank, I wondered why I had a problem with intimacy.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Clean Living with Gram; Gabe nd Karla And Will And Mandy; “Portrait of A Call Girl” has a lot to say; Filling the holes with Eric Swiss

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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