TMSleaze

Director: Brian Bangs, Spock Buckton
Cast: Ron Jeremy, Joanna Angel, Tori Black, Anthony Rosano, Ben English, Francesca Le, Faye Reagan, Mr. Pete, Dane Cross, Kagney Linn Karter, Chris Johnson, Anne Marie Rios, Randy Spears, Andi Anderson, Mark Wood, Rocco Reed, Brynn Tyler, James Deen, Lisa Ann, Darryl Hanah

If there has ever been a perfect confluence of actual porn and porn masquerading as news, 3rd Degree’s TMZ parody “TMSleaze” is it.

Unfortunately, “TMSLeaze” comes so close to the original in its overall quality and redeeming value that it, too, is unwatchable.

I know I am not in the majority in thinking so, so feel free to discount the rest of the review. But do so at your peril, because it is possibly the finest example of a porn review that was ever written.

TMZ, which is an entertainment industry union term for the “Thirty Mile Zone” radiating from the intersection of West Beverly and North La Cienega Boulevards in Hollywood, is also the name of a basic cable show and website that stalks celebrities.

TMZ the show is set up like the bullpen at a newspaper, and editor/host Harvey Levin fields story ideas from his young, eager protegees. Ron Jeremy plays Levin in “TMSleaze.”

Though they are read or watched by the majority of the world, I think both TMZ the website and TMZ the show are awful, like porn without the benefit of penetration. So the idea of seeing Ron Jeremy as the hateful Harvey Levin addressing a roomful of weasel wannabes sounded good as long as there was a money shot.

But “TMSleaze” is not really parody in that there is zero imagination behind it. It is not a stretch to make a gay joke about Ryan Seacrest (Anthony Rosano plays Ryan Seabass in the movie opposite Ben English’s Slimin’ Cowell) or portray Paula Abdul as a trainwreck off her meds. There is a starstruck cruelty in what TMZ does, leaving a porn version of that source material with nowhere to go.

Porn parodies and features are always on shaky ground because if they aim too high and fail, the whole structure collapses as putting lipstick on a pig. But if they don’t try at all, people like me get depressed and wonder why porn can’t be something more than Insert Tab A into Slot B, Rinse, Repeat.

“TMSleaze” is almost in a third category; it’s kind of like making a porn version of “Faces of Death” or of taking a dump. What kind of person likes to watch that stuff?

Oh well. I don’t make porn, I just inspire it.

But back to the movie: a scene between Faye Reagan as pregnant tweaker Lindsay Blowhand and Mr. Pete as babydaddy Feminem was a little more inspired, in that it took place in a recording studio, which showed restraint, rather than a trailer, which would have been too on the nose.

It also lent credence to the idea that in porn, sometimes the story gets in the way of watching people fuck. For example, Mr. Pete (not “Feminem”) bends Reagan (not “Blowhand”) into a pretzel and fucks her reverse pretzel cowgirl style. It’s like changing the channel from community access and suddenly landing on the Olympics. Good for you, Mr. Pete.

And it’s also a pleasure to see Kagney Linn Karter as a Daisy Dukes-wearing, fried chicken-eating Messica Simpson. But not because she looks or acts like Jessica Simpson. The “Messica Simpson” foolishness takes away from her essential Kagney Linn Karterness, which is a crime.

Ditto a scene between the beautiful Anne Marie Rios as the cop who pulls over Randy Spears, playing “Mel Fibson.” Spears fucks Rios on her patrol car, which is great. Any surface will do if the object is fucking Anne Marie Rios. But that Spears, one of porn’s finest thespians, doesn’t even attempt an Australian accent says something about the slipshod, cynical nature of the movie.

(And, lest there be an Eon McKai-esque “but I meant for it to look sucky” response, Joanna Angel really tries to channel Amy Winehouse in her cameo, which we appreciate for the effort.)

But “TMSleaze” made me wonder who benefits from the current culture of stalking celebrities to catch them being human, in the same way that the BTS scenes of any Jim Powers movie really gets to the heart of the fanbase that just wants to see the performers at their worst.

And sometimes the movie comments on itself.

As “Nicoletta Whorigan,” Darryl Hanah is caught, drunk and scarred, pushing a shopping cart down an alley. “Looks like you should be on ‘Destitute Housewives,'” says the cameraman.

“Ha ha ha,” replies Whorigan/Hanah/the audience. “Like I haven’t heard that a thousand times before.”

If there is a sex-only version of this movie available, go for it. Where “TMSleaze” is filmed like a porn movie with actual porn happening, it’s pretty good.

Buy TMSleaze Now

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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