Today I Met A Celebrity And Lost My Innocence

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Let’s hear it for the Dirty Old Man.

“Transgressive” is a word that gets thrown around quite a bit in porn lately. It usually refers to non-porn-standard body types or gender-fluid performers, all of whom must fight a prevailing (and sometimes overwhelming) status quo, made even worse by the fact that people aren’t buying much porn these days.

But even the most outlandish nichebait must recognize that people went to jail for releasing what to them might be vanilla, cis-gendered, heteronormative twaddle, eventually decriminalizing porn and ensuring their right to have sex on camera with whatever consenting adult they choose.

And people like Max Hardcore and John Stagliano have made it reasonably safe for pornographers to explore certain darknesses and aggressive tendencies in themselves. Porn would be nothing without taboos, but as the mainstream world has become pornier, so has the porn industry responded with “safer” couples’ porn, parodies where the sex isn’t really the point, and amazing websites like mine that attempt to explain the porn world to you, lo this past decade.

But it all started with the Dirty Old Man, and that archetype is disappearing in a sanitized, empowered, and increasingly taboo-free world.

A little while ago I watched a Third World Media title called “Fresh Off the Boat” with Janelle James, in which she plays an immigrant duped into not one but two bogus medical exams. The first is conducted by TWM director Ed Hunter, an older gentleman whose white-haired and liver-spotted hands grope hapless Ms. James. Then (or so I thought), Hunter performs one more “test” on his victim, somehow generating an excuse to fuck her. She leaves his office, sperm dripping poignantly from Dr. Hunter’s desk.

“You dirty old bastard,” I remember thinking at the time. “Good for you; that creeped me right out.”

Because I’m a big fan of sex as a wholesome and charismatic enterprise, but I’ve missed porn that really gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me think I’ll never love again.

I got to congratulate Hunter in person recently at TWM’s Chatsworth offices, and that is when he delivered the bad news.

“That was a fake penis,” he said.

What?” I cried, like Harold when Maude told him she had just ingested the pills that would kill her.

“Here,” Hunter said. “I’ll show you.”

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Hunter brought out a little dildo with a narrow tube acting as its urethra, with a little pump at the end of the tube.

“I fill it with egg whites and half & half, and give it a little squeeze,” Hunter said.

My mind reeled. On the one hand, I’d been happy that Hunter got laid. On the other, I’d been more happy that he had struck a blow for creepy porn. Now I only had half & half.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Immigrant Song—Janelle James is “Fresh Off the Boat”
See also: Third World Media

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

3 Comments

  1. I’ve never understood these ‘fake cum’ scenes. Is jizz really so precious that the porn world can’t find some YDFOC fellow to spray a few cc’s of the stuff for the camera?

    When you know that the milky sheen covering a buxom starlet isn’t 100% semen, it kind of ruins the magic.

  2. The magic of a sub-Ed Powers getting his rocks off in a most exploitative manner.

    Eh–diff’rent strokes to rule the world, Robin Thicke’s father once sang.

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