Today in Admirable Restraint: At least they didn’t call it “Whore-O”

Dusky, fleshy porn minxes don and doff boots and fulsome skirts in Spanish California, getting the flowers fucked from their hair. And that should be enough in a tale where the English and Spanish are broken equally.

Do it for the freedom of California

Drunkard Alejandro (Ramon Nomar) is rehabilitated by Don Diego (Tom Byron), better known as Zorro, who needs to pass on the title, Dread Pirate Roberts-style. The object is to thwart the plans of evil Don Rafael (Tommy Gunn, acting as if porn’s integrity as a legitimate art form depended on it), who will use Mexico’s own gold to buy the territory of California from it.

The new Zorro sobers up fast, bedding fiery Vicki Chase in the process and wooing Elena (Gracie Glam) under the nose of her suitor, the fancy Captain Love (Alec Knight).

Not only that, but the palindromic Nomar enjoys an exotic tres-way with Lacie James and Brooklyn Lee which features the line “We will do whatever it takes for an independent California.”

The movie, filmed by Paul Woodcrest, looks great, and Glam, Jynx Maze, James, Chase, and Lee are dressed and undressed beautifully. And this should be enough, except several unfortunately-porny things get in the way to sluice away our enjoyment of this film.

The movie opens with a series of narrative cards that no one bothered to spell-check or edit for marble-mouthiness. Ditto Nomar’s performance. The lone Spanish-speaking dude in a movie filled with various Dons, we forgive him for some serious broken English. What’s Jynx Maze’s excuse?

Maze approaches the elder Zorro in gratitude for a service he provided her family long ago. We know that she is about to fuck Tom Byron, but why does she say that she is honoring the wishes of her father? Have you met Mexican dads? They do not approve of their daughters fucking anybody.

Then there’s Alec Knight’s character. As Captain Love, the long-haired U.S. Army officer on Don Rafael’s payroll, Knight keeps his hat on inside. The gall! And since we know the romance of Elena and young Zorro is in the cards, it would be narratively wise to make the sex scene Glam and Knight have be fraught with conflict so that we understand why she is leaving him.

But No, Knight’s scene with Glam is no worse or better (well, Knight is circumcised and Nomar isn’t, if that makes a difference) than Zorro Pequeno’s. Are we supposed to make a choice of loyalty based on the script?

For movies like this one that look beautiful but stab themselves in the foot once performers start speaking their lines, I am going to institute a policy of watching them with the sound turned down. Maybe with a Los Lobos record playing.

· Buy “Zorro XXX” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Hustler gentrifies the barrio; Kayden Kross—Hookers can be duplicitous
See also: Pleasure Dynasty (pdfilmsllc.com)