Today in geekery: "The X-Files – A Dark XXX Parody"

You all know me; you know how I earn a livin’. And you probably know that the tone, execution, and intent of a porn movie, all things being equal, often trumps budget and cast for me, because there’s a finite number of ways someone can take one in the face.

That is why I really like the idea of New Sensations’ “X Files” porn adaptation. Not just because Kimberly Kane looks amazing as Dana Scully and Ashlynn Brooke gives new meaning to the word succubus, but because the movie was written like a spec script for the nine-season show starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

“I wrote it so it would fit into a gap in the actual show where fans saw Scully putting on her clothes and leaving a room with (Duchovny’s) Mulder naked on the bed,” said director Sam Hain. Mulder’s character in the show became intermittent after the seventh season, and Scully turned up pregnant.

“So the fans speculated that Mulder and Scully hooked up,” Hain said.

Hain is a young guy, a first-time porn director, but the production was staffed by every New Sensations contract director, as well as Lee Roy Myers, who helmed the company’s “Office,” “Scrubs,” “Seinfeld,” and “Friends” parodies and who produced this shoot.

“This is definitely the biggest production we’ve done all year,” Myers said, noting that New Sensations had rented a Red One camera, camera package, and attendant tech person. “The Red” captures video at resolutions up to 4096 horizontal by 2304 vertical pixels. “When we watch the dailies, it just looks awesome.”

Locations for the six-day shoot included some of the standard Porn Valley rentals as well as the desert and a former meatpacking plant in downtown L.A., perfect for shots of Mulder and Scully creeping through the darkness with Mag lights, and which demoness Ashlynn Brooke used for her lair.

A word that rhymes with “lair” is “hair.”

“This is a wig,” Kimberly Kane said. “But I dyed my roots red.”

“This is a wig,” Ashlynn Brooke said. “But my hair is naturally this color.”

Brooke is now New Sensations’ only contract girl with the tragic departure of Sadie West, so it makes sense that the girl-next-door blonde has to pull double duty as a brunette.

“I don’t want to alienate the people who like me blonde, though,” said Brooke, who just went dark for this movie. In the scheme of things, I guess blonde is more iconic and valuable to a porn company than any other hair color, so Choctaw’s Own follicly versatile Ashlynn Brooke is a great asset to the company.

Down in the basement of the meatpacking plant, Anthony Rosano, who plays Mulder, trained a flashlight on Kimberly Kane’s sensible rack. As America’s Beloved Porn Journalist I felt compelled to ask a tactful question on your behalf.

“Do you guys do it?” I asked.

“Yes, we do it,” Rosano said.

“And not in a dream sequence or something dumb like that?” I probed.

“Oh, we really do it,” Kane said.

The original “X Files” was one of the first TV shows to benefit from a rabid online fan base when it debuted in 1993, and geeks had their crush object in Gillian Anderson. Message boards lit up whenever she appeared in anything less than her full-body business suit.

I think Hain’s script will be richer for featuring non-dream sequence sex, and fans of the original show will be delighted by Kane’s resemblance to Scully. Not only that, but Mulder’s character, as I remember, was an inveterate porn watcher.

“I am a huge fan of the show,” Hain said, “so I really made sure that this movie would make sense to fans.”

  • See my “X Files: A Dark XXX Parody” set gallery here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Kimberly Kane – rainmaker; Meet Sadie West; Gilligan’s Island XXX; Office XXX just chills until the next webisode
See also: New Sensations

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

2 Comments

  1. This has the potential to be something awesome. Kimberly Kane's look is downright spooky – I'm thinking her resemblance to Gillian Anderson is going to move quite a few units.

    Heh… units.

  2. I just wish from the sound of it that Kim was doing more than just one hardcore scene as Scully- maybe we could have a Scully-focused sequel if it does well??? That would sell big-time!

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