As the deadline for AVN nominations approaches, September has seen an increase in the amount of porn swag received by people like me. The most successful swag remains the type of things I can actually use.
Movie: Wicked’s “Speed.” Item: A poster.
- A tasteful and attractive poster featuring Wicked’s gracefully aging stable of usual suspects, looking more like characters from syndicated basic cable shows of the 90’s, like “Renegade.” I would definitely (and proudly) display this poster in my video store if I owned one, but I don’t.
Movie: Adam & Eve’s “The A-Team XXX.” Items: Cigar and 2011 datebook
- I have yet to see this movie, though Roy Karch tells me he’s great in it, and I have no reason to not believe him. I also may very well use this 2011 datebook, as it is just the right size and is bound in a sturdy transparent laminate. But I am far too sophisticated to ever smoke a cigar wrapped in loose cellophane that someone sent me in the mail. My mother always warned me when I would go trick-or-treating: “Young Grams, never take anything that isn’t completely wrapped.”
Movie: Zero Tolerance’s “Sanatorium.” Item: A tricky oversized box
- If you press an image of Tabitha Stevens and fold it up a certain way, the resulting image is supposed to …I don’t even know. Is this Mad magazine? Why does a DVD box come inside yet another box? If I were a porn consumer (and, as you know, I am not; I merely inspire pornography), would I be displaying this in my room? On the hood of my car? On my bike? I don’t get it.
Movie: Tom Byron’s “Worship My Schoolgirl Ass.” Item: A ruler
- Score. I need a ruler. Not only that, but you can imagine smacking Kylee Reese’s ass with a ruler, so it works, thematically, in a way that a cheap cigar that is supposed to be evocative of Hannibal Smith is not.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Other swag; Which one’s Pink?
After growing up during the Clinton years, I’ve got to ask: Did you at least SNIFF the cigar?
“Not only that, but you can imagine smacking Kylee Reese’s ass with a ruler, so it works, thematically, ”
I was having a bad day, so I decided to read your articles to cheer myself up, and not only did that work on its own merits but I misread that sentence as “smacking Kyle Reese’s ass with a ruler, ” and that was just all kinds of happy daydreams for about five minutes. I love you, Gram.