Everything I know about porn I learned in high school.
A beloved high school history teacher once said, “Grams, every time you see a rule, from ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ to ‘Keep Off the Grass,’ you know that in the recent past someone did some killing or someone walked on the grass to justify the need for that rule.”
I thought of his words when sifting through the contents of Wicked’s “Rocki Whore Picture Show” promotional box.
“Why would I need this squirt gun, travel-size toilet paper, latex glove, and promotional toast?” I asked. “Am I going to throw them at the screen when watching the movie with a hundred community college theatre majors, fat girls, and their gay friends at a midnight screening on my computer?”
But then I thought, “You are getting these things because somewhere in the world, someone will wear that ‘Rocki Whore’ XL t-shirt, play with those ‘Rocki Whore’ playing cards, follow those ‘Rocki Whore Orgy Dance’ instructions and, Yes, throw that ‘Rocki Whore’ promotional toast at his/her computer screen.”
But do I know these people? Are you one of those people?
I watched “Rocki Whore Picture Show” this week, found it very entertaining, and reviewed it on Fleshbot. It has better music than most porn parodies and, in terms of the source material:parody appropriateness ratio, “Rocki Whore” is very strong.
The best piece of Wicked swag I have is a heavy-duty cartridge box that promoted the movie “Coming Home.” I use it for teabags.
But I’m not sure what to do with this “Rocki Whore” stuff. I can probably find a use for the toilet paper, but I’m not sure about the toast, or if it would be wise to send the t-shirt to an Alabama tornado victim.
NB: I would be remiss if, in decrying the uselessness of this swag, I did not also come clean about the headline. “Late-nite double-anal” is a reference to “Late-nite double feature,” a line in “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” There is no double-anal in the Wicked movie, as that would cause the condoms and contract girls to catch fire.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “The 8th Day” is a work of (Ohio) Art
See also: Wicked
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