“Top Guns”: Finally a heteroerotic movie about planes

Jesse Jane, Riley Steele, Kayden Kross, and Stoya all look so good in those flight suits that they would turn Kelly McGillis into a lesbian.

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Robby D.
Starring: Jesse Jane, Riley Steele, Kayden Kross, Selena Rose, Stoya, Marcus London, Tommy Gunn, Frank Bukkwyd, Ben English, Scott Nails, Mick Blue, Erik Everhard

There is a lot of money on display in Digital Playground’s 2011 blockbuster “Top Guns,” but it’s not just spent on planes, locations, and contract girls; it’s in the time the movie gives us to really want those contract girls to fuck each other, and that is a luxury.

Director Robby D.’s Girls vs. Boys fighter pilot competition of course borrows from “Top Gun,” but Robby’s movie is heteroerotic instead.

Blondie pilots Bandit and Baby Boo (Jesse Jane and Riley Steele) vie first against their male counterparts and then against rivals Hollywood and Mystery (Kayden Kross and Stoya) for supremacy in the air, but first Jesse Jane must get over her own self-sabotaging ways and learn to be a team player.

This science is dropped by flight instructor Raven Alexis, in a role that keeps her clothed throughout most of the movie.

There are other things to contend with, such as the misogyny of Major Jensen (Ben English) and the high expectations of ace pilot Gunman (Tommy Gunn).

That the movie sets up such plot points is admirable, even if they occasionally unravel. English is a commanding presence, but he has as much problem with the language from which he takes his name as the German Mick Blue, whose character probably wouldn’t have been granted security clearance by the U.S. Navy.

That said, viewers will be treated to some very assured dialogue and sex from women who know how good they are. Particularly fun are scenes between Stoya and Mick Blue

“I’ll give it back later,” Stoya says.

“Give what back?” says Blue.

“Your ass, bitch.”

and Kayden and Scott Nails, in which both deliver believable dialogue about the nature of attractiveness, and then she hands him her panties.

While it is a pleasure to simply watch the range of emotions cross Stoya’s face as she makes her moves (and then is penetrated), one of the many adorable surprises of the movie comes from Selena Rose, who plays a Michelle Rodriguez-like flight mechanic named Spice.

Of the girls’ planes, Spice says, “Well, I ‘spiced’ them up a little.”

(I guess you have to watch it to see how charming it was. I think Stoya laughed.)

There are elements in the movie that are head-scratchers, however. Like the choice to save former DP contract girl Raven Alexis’ scene until the end, anticlimaxing a serious Tommy Gunn-on-Jesse-Selena-Kayden-Riley-and-Stoya orgy that makes me want to punch him in jealousy. And the odd presence of the North Korean Air Force in the California Desert (and how it is never mentioned again).

But there are other moments of such confident filmmaking that show a strong company at its best.

For example, modern porn economics don’t allow for scenes in which people are being sexy but not having sex. Think about it: there is the fully-clothed phone conversation in which the cable guy agrees to come over, and then there is the sex scene.

But in “Top Guns,” the girls play the boys in a volleyball match (you should never play volleyball against Jesse Jane, because you’ll only smack the correct orb a third of the time) that is five minutes of sexy tension-building. Ditto generous dialogue breaks for Jesse and Riley, all of which give the audience time to breathe and take them in.

It is obvious “Top Guns” is aimed at couples, with none of the beefy guys seeming too adversarial (they all get along!) and the real drama happening amongst the women. Girl-on-girl jealousy, Jesse’s work-threatening hangover, and a general Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves attitude are designed to make “Top Guns” a sweet pill for women to swallow, all so their boyfriends can say, “Well, if you liked this one, how about that Aletta Ocean all-anal movie Digital Playground is doing?”

Maybe GLAD would have problems with the amount of times the word “fag” is used (once by Jesse Jane: “Hey,” she says. “Why don’t you stop being such a fag and show me what a man you are”), and perhaps Susan Faludi might have something to say about how the girls choose to literally fuck the men out of their rightful places in the pilot competition—as if that is their only option—but Digital Playground isn’t aiming at either of those constituencies.

And that doesn’t matter, anyway. The triumph of “Top Guns” is that we like everyone—we want them all to arrive at happy ends. And the only people who really get fucked are those two poor North Koreans.

  • Buy “Top Guns” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Bibi Jones joins Digital Playground, other people named Bibi; “Fly Girls”—when you have a choice in airplane-related porn comedies; Stoya breaks my camera with her nipples
See also: Digital Playground

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