Try not to regret those “Seven Minutes”

Images of "Seven Minutes in Heaven," some of which take me to Hell

I learned a lot about myself when I watched Digital Playground’s straight porn spin-the-bottle affair “Seven Minutes in Heaven” and compared it with Courtney Trouble’s queer movie of the same name from 2009.

Both movies feature the usual suspects from both sides of the porn world and the 101 freeway; there’s Rocco Reed, Marcus London, Tommy Gunn, BiBi Jones, Selena Rose, and Riley Steele repping Digital Playground—all good haircuts, clean if sterile locations, and women who bite their own thumbs to telegraph their sexual availability to the men many years older than they are—and folks like no-nonsense Tina Horn and the gender-fabulous Puck Goodfellow up in San Francisco.

All of these people are easily identifiable as porn stars of their respective genres.

But whereas DP’s “Seven Minutes” is a scripted movie (Riley Steele and Selena Rose whip out the come-hither vocal fry to such a degree that only a direct application of sperm can ever hope to save them), Trouble’s is just a bunch of people getting together in an apartment to fuck, eventually.

I like apartments. I have fond memories of them.

And while I could look at Selena Rose, BiBi Jones, and Riley Steele for a long time without complaining, I found myself wondering if I could ever really be compatible with women who attempt to spin a bottle on a deep-pile shag rug.

It's called Physics, you dummies

“I don’t care how nice your tits are,” I might blurt out. “That’s just dumb.”

Meanwhile, up in San Francisco, there’s a bunch of women I could have a conversation with. But what would they think about my heteronormative ways?

“I only like that one song by Ani DiFranco,” I would say. “The one with the goldfish. Take me as I am.”

“No,” they might say. “We thought you were cool, but don’t anymore.”

I think I might just mix the audio of one with the video of the other.

Maybe I’ll never get those seven minutes back, but there’s a lot to think about. In the meantime, you can look at the gallery and try to figure out which image is from which movie!

• Buy Digital Playground’s “Seven Minutes in Heaven” here
• Buy Courtney Trouble’s “Seven Minutes in Heaven” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Spinning the Bottle with Sleazy Rock’n’ Roll Faggots: Courtney Trouble’s “Seven Minutes in Heaven”; I didn’t mean to offend trans-anyone
See also: Digital Playground, No Fauxxx