Tweets from another casino

It’s not that I don’t love and admire my friends who are up for—or are passed over for—AVN awards, it is just that I don’t feel AVN Awards shows (or any adult awards shows) represent the industry at its best.

So this year I followed the tweets of AVN Awards attendees and tweeted the proceedings from a comfortable suite at the Venetian Hotel, safely across the 15 freeway from the Palms where the awards were happening.

1. Settle down everybody #avnawards
2. Great to see the Real Princess Diaries guy has redeemed himself and is tweeting from the #avnawards
3. great to see David Duchovny here #avnawards
4. At the discount LASIK booth at the #avnawards
5. @ShayLynnxx starting to believe you don’t exist, even though our journey together began a year ago on this special night # avnawards
6. Eating fried bread from a weeping Indian’s steam table at the #avnawards
7. Red carpet done. Doors of auditorium locked. Lights going down. Water cannons being deployed #avnawards
8. At the #avnawards with a small German security force. Wo ist der bottleservice ??!
9. Eddie Van Halen here to pick up his 2007 soundtrack trophy for “Sacred Sin” #avnawards
10. I don’t think Anne Murray is wearing underpants #avnawards
11. Scorpions reuniting with @Fogelfoot for the #avnawards
12. A lot of people in blackface and with bound feet at the #avnawards
13. lot of tears and wardrobe drama among Best Non-Sex nominees. Bartholet’s billboard was misspelled by XPlay #avnawards
14. #avnawards stage suggests MayDay festivities, menstrual cycles
15. Anti-piracy video reunites cast of 2005’s “Pirates,” including Janine, Jesse James, Jesse Jane, Sandra Bullock #avnawards
16. Tori Black blowjob award given to Marisa Tomei by mistake #avnawards
17. “Gordon Lightfoot Backstage Wingding” wins best celebrity sex tape for Vivid #avnawards
18. First baby born on floor of #avnawards. Won’t be eligible until 2030 though
19. Nice! Crosby, Stills, Nash (but no Young) here with Pauly Shore at #avnawards. Doing fashion show with Tera Patrick. High end sweatpants etc
20. Chi Chi LaRue whips up crowd, crowd goes on killing spree #avnawards
21. Tom Byron thanks L. Ron Hubbard, lettuce, FIFA, a duck, Chilean miners in Best Actor speech #avnawards
22. Asa Akira wins Best Digital Playground #avnawards
23. Best Romance Series goes to This Ain’t Drenched in Love #avnawards
24. XBiz wins best trade publication at #avnawards
25. Pope John Paul II wins Pontiff award again. He’s the Manuel Ferrara of Popes #avnawards
26. “and on this Porno Rocks I will build my church” JC Superstar, Paul Thomas #avnawards
27. @jizlee wins best calendar appearance #avnawards
28. Yikes. Feldman bat mitzvah party booked Ting Tings for Palms auditorium at 10:30. Being asked to go #avnawards
29. Wikileaks releases list of #avnawards winners prematurely from hacked servers on Crete
30. Mats being laid out for naps #avnawards
31. TS Optimus Prime wins Transformer Performer of the Year #avnawards
32. Bellagio buffet triple decker wins Reuben Sandwich award #avnawards
33. Gracie Glam wins Best GG name #avnawards
34. Nissan XTeraPatrick wins Crossover Sport Utility of the Year #avnawards
35. New Pope elected outside Palms Casino http://twitpic.com/3oe2t0
36. “Speed” wins, but Meth still sentimental favorite #avnawards
37. Nice work India Summer! Best Actress for AMEX/Private “Open”
38. Tom Wilkinson and Sissy Spacek win Best Couples scene for “In the Bedroom” #avnawards
39. Gabe Kaplan #avnawards
40. “Those We Lost” segment features John Leslie, three hours sitting in Palms auditorium #avnawards
41. @wickedpictures announces “The Fighter” parody following “Speed” win, changes name to @wickedpissapictures #avnawards
42. @jamye who would have been a better live band, do you think? @Fogelfoot
43. @mrs__myers don’t sell yourself short; you drink like a fish. A Fish That Saved Pittsburgh: A Dark XXX Parody XPlay 2012 #avnawards
44. @clubalektrablue wins most endearing hashtag #gratefulbitch #avnawards
45. Again I lose AVN’s Best Former Employee award to Satan #avnawards
46. Deli platters with Legionnare’s Disease, Screaming O samples, Hotmovies coupons #avnawards
47. Sassy McSassypants wins 2030 Best New Starlet #avnawards #avnawardsofthefuture
48. Best Makeup goes to Monstar circa 2005 #avnawards
49. My “This ain’t not the bradys Xxx” parody of the XPlay oeuvre featuring Bartholet, wins Best Picture 2015 #avnawards #avnawardsofthefuture
50. “Mr. Holland’s Anus” wins Best Picture Inspired by Perennial slumming AVN attendee #avnawards
51. AVN’s Greek owners award Best Cheese Named After Star Wars Figure to Boba Feta #avnawards
52. Thanks everyone! Wasn’t actually at the #avnawards. Covered it from a room in the Venetian. #WayMoreInterestingThatWay

I got about a hundred followers that night; they all thought I was there.

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