The pitch: Sara Sloane is a masseuse at Camp Crystal Lake Nudist Colony in the porn adaptation of “Friday the 13th.” Except no one gets massaged, we don’t see any nudists, and there isn’t too much killing. But if we can get over our valid expectations of something completely different, this is a really good movie.
Studio: Zero Tolerance
Director: Gary Orona
Starring: Sara Sloane, Asa Akira, Kagney Linn Karter, Courtney Cummz, Asa Akira, Brooklyn Lee, Kris Slater, Brooke Lee Adams, Mr. Pete, Mark Wood, Carlo, Rocco Reed, Tabitha Stevens
Buy “The Official Friday the 13th Parody” here
“Friday the 13th” is a pleasure to watch from beginning to end, even if we search in vain for a second disc that will somehow deliver on the promise of the first few minutes. Sunny Sara Sloane is surprised when she learns from battle-weary bartender Tabitha Stevens the local legend that, deep under Crystal Lake, is “some kind of monster with flesh-eatin’ jizz.”
Maybe we would never believe the machine-crafted Stevens as a small-town bartender, but in a world where Sloane is also a masseuse at a nudist colony, well, anything goes. And Stevens delivers her monologue with such elegant hamminess that you just want to have sex with both Stevens and Sloane right there on the dusty bar floor.
I know you’d want to do it anyway, even if the two weren’t doing some excellent porn acting.
But in the way Paul Thomas’ “Twilight Zone” parody did, this movie feels like it was started as something different but ended up as “The Official Friday the 13th Parody.” And, like that movie (though this one is far better shot and lit), this one is fun to watch if we unburden ourselves of what the movie is purporting to be.
We meet the various residents of the nudist colony (and it doesn’t bother us, except in theory, that no one gets massaged by Sloane and no one is depicted in the act of being a nudist) and a story unfolds of a man with a dick so large that it acts as an anchor, carrying him to the bottom of the lake, where his semen ferments.
That is a pretty funny and original concept for a porn movie, you say.
Well, not that you could see a monster with fermented jizz in action on a porn budget, but it is the fact that you don’t—though it was sort of promised to you—that is disappointing.
Ditto the original movie’s epoch-defining trope (which it shares with “Halloween”) of murdering the sexually active. If “Friday” followed the rules, most of the cast would be dead, with one hero (preferably Sloane) escaping, sort of.
But through five generous and gorgeous sex scenes featuring the likes of Asa Akira, Kagney Linn Karter, and Sloane herself (as well as a scene with two women named Brooke Lee Adams and Brooklyn Lee—it’s not stunt casting, it’s just who was available), we’re rarely aware of a creeping menace.
So many other satisfying things rush to take its place, though. Brooklyn Lee interrupts her game of strip poker with an exasperated “is this really necessary or can we all just fuck?” and Mr. Pete’s last words are “”Oh my God that’s a fucking rad mask, dude.” Sloane plays her part as an up-for-anything sport and her dialogue scene with Tabitha Stevens is better than anything I ever saw Kevin Sorbo do. Finally, the KLK’s scene with the monster as a young man is also particularly effective; hard to imagine Kagney Linn Karter as someone who one would let jizz ferment around.
So it’s hard to complain other than giving voice to the feeling that something so good is that much more disappointing when, say, the end is unsatisfying or it seems like a plot was tacked on.
Know what would have been cool? If the killer had offed Sarah Vandella so I wouldn’t be so confused anymore.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Not a Serling achievement; In the desert, you can remember you’re Tabitha Stevens
See also: Zero Tolerance
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