Vivid, which has in recent months offered movie deals to Octomom Nadya Suleman, embattled Miss California Carrie Prejean, and “Britain’s Got Talent” star Susan Boyle, today pitched multi-picture deals to freed journalist Roxana Suberi, Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra, and your mother.
“We want everyone in America to become a Vivid Girl,” Vivid cofounder Steven Hirsch did not say, absently stroking a Manx cat, itself recently the star of “Janine Loves This Manx Cat.”
While Vivid’s recent celebrity sex tape offers have been either rebuffed or ignored, the company has doggedly extended contracts to at least 30 celebrities a week, according to a napkin-scrawled IF/BUT formula recently discovered by this site and transcribed below.
1. Youtube or basic cable sensation BUT NOT an Oscar presenter
2. Accidentally naked OR ridiculously covered up
3. Female OR AT LEAST containing female parts
4. Little OR NO chance she will actually say Yes. Can you imagine if she actually said Yes? Holy fuck.
Thus the revelation that Vivid has made overtures to Heather Mills, Lindsey Wagner as “The Bionic Woman,” April Flores’ Cyberskin Vagina, Florence Henderson, and Burmese prisoner of conscience Aung San Suu Kyi.
But it was Saturday’s offer to Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra (no relation to former Vivid girl Monique Alexander) that raised concerns in Porn Valley’s Halls of Power, as the filly is only three years old.
“I know it’s all a big publicity stunt, these offers,” said Loup Perch-Tounge of the Chatsworth think tank the Banan Institute. “But we’re not only talking about someone who is not of legal age, but is also a horse.”
Reached by phone just before press time, your mother told TMZ she is not “seriously considering” Vivid’s offer, but is flattered.
“They told me I could work with Barbaro,” she said.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Amy Fisher – it’s not personal; Stormy Daniels wins key endorsement; Savanna Samson 1988 Status Quo song, says 1982 Joe Jackson song
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What the hell happened to Vivid? They’re a laughing stock that not only jumped the shark, but offered that shark a contract. Digital Playground or Wicked or, hell, even Red Light District should just make an offer to buy the company and put it out of its misery.
“But we’re not only talking about someone who is not of legal age, but is also a horse.”