We don’t need another “Justice League of Pornstar Heroes”

“This little pussy’s got some holes that need to be filled,” says Roxanne Hall as Catwoman in “Justice League of Pornstar Heroes,” a movie that seems to have blown all its money on impressively cheesy title and animation sequences, leaving a few talented performers on their own to make sense of the script. Lucky it’s got sex in it.

Studio: Extreme Comixxx
Director: Rob Black as Sinister X
Starring: Chanel Preston, Rocco Reed, Evan Stone, Tom Byron, Ron Jeremy, Andy San Dimas, Amber Rayne, Shyla Stylez, Kristina Rose, Tommy Gunn, Roxanne Hall, Bill Bailey, Barry Scott, Talon, Scott Lyons

At the Hall of Justice, Superfriends leader Superman (Rocco Reed) tells the assembled heroes, including the scenery-chewing Batman and Robin (Evan Stone and Scott Lyons doing their utmost), that a weather bomb has been planted, and that the gang must quiz the usual suspects.

This leads to a series of awkward conversations that mercifully morph into sex scenes. There’s a Batman/Robin/Catwoman double-penetration episode (in which “You’re not a Boy anymore, Boy Wonder” is not said), a Kryptonite-induced tryst between Superman and Zatanna (Kristina Rose, and how was Superman capable of functioning under the influence of Kryptonite?), and a vadge-only scene between Barry Scott and Andy San Dimas, proving he’s not just another Flash in the can.

Turns out that Tom Byron (and not Lexington Steele) as Lex Luthor is behind it all, though he is in cahoots with the Penguin (Ron Jeremy).

While it is great fun watching Chanel Preston as Wonder Woman just standing there, inhaling and exhaling, the sex-slicked and zippy Amber Rayne as Harley Quinn provides (with Talon as Green Lantern) the most arresting sex scene of an ultimately disappointing movie. And this is just Part One!

While “Pornstar Heroes” is clearly the result of a large budget that includes an impressive 2-disc set (with trading cards!), plausible costumes, multiple sets, and special effects, credits, and animation sequences that outstrip the competition (save for Digital Playground), at times it is as dimly lit as a Wicked movie. There also seems to have been some confusion in the editing as to what the movie was to be called.

I’d be interested to hear how DC Comics deals with Extreme Comixxx.

Legally, “Justice League” seems to go farther than its contemporaries in blurring the line between porn parody and source material. The animation, though crude, doesn’t have any sex and names each of the characters without any pornification. If nothing happens with this movie, a useful precedent could be set protecting parodies.

That said, I would have much preferred these performers in any standard-issue Porn Valley lonely housewives/pool cleaner scenario, as everyone either seems to be trying too hard or not hard enough.

“Justice League of Pornstar Heroes” is not a bad movie; it just doesn’t do “justice” to its budget.

Buy “Justice League of Pornstar Heroes” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “Superman XXX”: Andy San Dimas kneels before Zoe, Zod
See also: Extreme Comixxx