What makes a MILF? A new wrinkle

We’ve talked about MILF definitions before, but I forget that my site currently lacks search capabilities, so new readers might not be apprised of the generous dollops of scholarship and opinion longtime readers have provided.

There are many definitions of MILF and, while we strive for standardization, we must consider two important variables:

  1. Are we talking about Porn Valley or the terrible outside world?
  2. Are we talking about urban, suburban, or rural areas?

Milves in Real Life

A MILF in the outside world is a woman who has given birth to at least one child and, despite or because of this, you/I still want to fuck her. The porn director Jim Powers, who does not practice in all of his movies what he preaches, adds one more requirement: “She has to have children who are old enough to have friends that want to fuck her.”

This makes a generous but reasonable MILF cutoff to be no younger than 30. Yes, it could be argued that it is physically possible to be a MILF (by Powers’ standards) at 24, but this isn’t National Geographic.

The BritMILF Tanya Tate told me a few days ago that, in England, a MILF is generally considered to be at least 30. “But I have no children,” she said, so, though the cutoff is higher there, subjects of the Queen still have trouble with the English language.

NB: The Queen herself has borne children, but I don’t think even Prince Phillip thinks of her “that way” anymore.

A Porn Valley MILF

The adult entertainment industry is going to Hell because most (but not all) producers of porn are comparatively lazy and think the rest of the world is as dumb as they are. Soon they will be right.

So even though no one disputes that MILF stands for “Mom I’d Like to Fuck,” the word itself has ceased to be, in Porn Valley’s eyes, an acronym. So instead of “MILF” it’s “milf.” As a common noun, milf has come to mean any woman who is clearly no longer barely legal.

This is a problem because milves and cougars are now interchangeable by porn standards. If a milf is an older women who is still hot to trot, how is she different from a cougar? Only when Porn Valley burns to the ground and I rebuild it (in three days), will this issue be resolved.

City Milves and Country Milves

As I age (I am now a FARLF, or Father Any Reasonable Lady would Like to Fuck) and reflect upon my travels, I realize that the extended adolescence afforded to city dwellers makes for a serious MILFgap in comparison with her suburban counterparts.

While the single urbanite career woman might feel compelled to stay in shape, the natural vicissitudes of age, Botox, and smog line her face and taut frame and, in extreme cases, make her look like a piece of hard-chewed jerky. You know, like Madonna. Her implants and washboard abs make for a carnal experience much like fucking a trampoline; not altogether unpleasant, but one expects to wind up on ESPN2.

But her country cousin has meanwhile been married for several years. The gentle “Our Town” ebb and flow of life, the gradual acceptance of her own mortality, and the joy of watching her offspring grow make her a hot, doughy bitch. She attends a Pilates class when they are off at school. Her thighs tingle when she sees me at Costco.

So it is that someone who lives in a city might be a “milf” without children, though she will get there later than her child-rearing bucolic sister.

Style Guide: Plurals

We can stick with MILF in the singular so the acronym will never be tarnished (we can make concessions in later editions for adjectives like “milfy” and “milfed out,” and even verbs like “(to have) milfed the living shit out of him,” but the plural of MILF is “milves” for the simple fact that it is almost impossible to see more than one Mom (You’d) Like to Fuck in the same room; a MILF doesn’t reach that age without eliminating nearby competition. So you can talk about milves in general but would never actually see a group of MILFs at Starbucks; there’s always one hot mom and several dowdy ones who No Longer Care.

As always, I welcome your thoughts.

These images from Elegant Angel’s milves with black dudes movie “White Mommas 2,” starring Julia Ann, Kylie Ireland, Chloe, Shayla LaVeuax, and Roxxanne Bliss.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Alternate dialogue for a MILF movie; Theoretical milves; Porn industry making strides in MILF compliance
See also: Elegant Angel

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

1 Comment

  1. "She has to have children who are old enough to have friends that want to fuck her." – THERE – that is how I feel about it, and always have (well, since I started giving the subject "serious" thought about five or so years ago. It also strikes me that the majority of the men in these movies are almost as old, just as old, or older than the "milves" they're fornicating with. Hell, the guy from the MILFHunter site can't be less than forty.

    Ideally, MILF porn should feature women that are old enough to actually be their partner's mothers (hmmm… are there barely legal male straight pornsters?). Obviously, there's not much in the way of actual mothers in these productions, but if there's not a significant age difference between the performers, it's just two people fucking (not that there's anything wrong with that).

    Oh, and country MILF-types are the best.

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