When condomless porn is illegal or: If You Like Pina Coladas

Like in “The Godfather,” when Clemenza says to Michael that every five, ten years there needs to be a war to clean out the bad blood, now and then the call for condoms and external regulation of the porn industry reaches a shrill crescendo. If we weren’t such calm, buttoned down people, some of us might become hysterical.

Following the recent adult biz HIV scare (casualties: 1) and last week’s 17-count complaint filed with Cal/OSHA and friends, let’s imagine a world in which no one’s bodily fluid (spit, semen, blood, food by-product-based excreta) can land on anyone else and where condoms are mandatory.

1. Sales of Pina Colada mix will skyrocket

The porn industry is built on the visible cumshot. Every other tangible falls away at the grandeur of this one universal justification of the fakery of 29-year-old women in schoolgirl plaid, faux Asians, gay-for-pay that’s actually gay, and 95 percent of the press releases I receive (other than a recent one concerning Shy Love).

But the Enron of the porn industry is pina colada mix, squirted across the face and neck of performers who either didn’t have their tests on time or in place of the legitimate seed of gentlemen who weren’t sufficiently aroused to produce any.

At neighborhood bars and AAA-sponsored cruises, Pina Coladas will be rebranded “Load”s and “Cumshot”s, and post-porn women in Pornstar t-shirts and Juicy pants will say “Come in my mouth” but it won’t mean the same thing.

2. Ron Jeremy will be utterly out of a job


The man who possesses the most recognizable face in porn rarely has sex on camera anymore, but continues to work all the time by the mere suggestion that he could, and once did, produce copious loads on cue. This Schrodinger’s box gets filed away forever if the possibility of ejaculation is removed. No VH-1, no B-movies, no emceeing wrestling matches. Ron Jeremy Hyatt would make an excellent rabbi, however.

3. Jeff Lebowski’s drugged accusation of Jackie Treehorn will come true


In “The Big Lebowski,” Jeff Lebowski tells slick Golden Age pornographer Jackie Treehorn that “you treat objects like women, man.” If women are no longer appropriate ejaculation surfaces, then the few remaining porn performers will pull out, rip off the condom, and might let fly on the following objects:

  • The S.S. Jeremiah O’Brien, one of the last remaining WWII Liberty Ships
  • A photo of your mom
  • Deep-pile carpeting, reminiscent of puffy labia. This process will be known as “rugging”
  • The Chatsworth Reservoir
  • The Scientology Celebrity Center

4. Phoebe Cates and Jennifer Jason Leigh will be restored to their former masturbatory predominance


I used to work in a video store, and we were unable to keep VHS copies of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” in any kind of rentable condition due to the Cars-and-Jackson Browne-inspired shenanigans of those two women. If it’s a choice between Jennifer Jason Leigh and Phoebe Cates in 1982 and, I don’t know, Houston at any point in her career, who are you going to pick?

5. Sophia Santi will become the richest woman in the world


The Girls-Only performer will have all the work she wants

Some of these predictions sound dire, it’s true, but the condom-only fervor will likely die down again until the great Vagina Dentata crisis of 2014.


Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Cal/OSHA plaintiffs save adult industry; LFP on HIV; Does Caprica look like Zion to you?; Products for your down under from down under; Teagan on pizza, being nice to strippers; It was you all along, Britney

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

4 Comments

  1. As a relative connoisseur of the porny, I can honestly say that, when I see a condom being utilized in the scene, that it actually becomes a distraction. Yes, I can fully and completely understand the desire and/or need to use them in the porn, but it's that whole "wrecks the fantasy" argument. It probably doesn't truly matter to a good percentage of the population, but to some of us, especially the ones that have enjoyed the "Golden Age" of porn (where dudes would ejaculate on an ample bush, then go right back to the fornicating without missing a beat, sometimes to the point of another money shot) or even those scenes where a man pulls out of some random orifice, gets sucked on, then goes back to orifice spelunking, condoms just get in the way.

    Would condoms kill the industry? Not at all – porny people are akin to roaches, after all, and would likely survive a nuclear holocaust – but the sheer enjoyment of many of its purveyors would truly be lost.

    It would stop us from watching, of course… but we wouldn't enjoy it as much. Not being able to truly enjoy porn would mean that The Terrorists have won.

  2. I agree. Condoms are a distraction, and I don't hold to the belief that if they're around for a long time, people will just get used to them.

    Still, the argument that porn is statistically safer than random hookups at a bar is about as convincing and encouraging as the one about air travel being statistically safer than car travel; it misses the point.

    If condom measures go through, I think I might have to go looking for real estate in Las Vegas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*