When life gives you gapes, make lemonade

I don’t want to seem prudish and don’t suggest that other people stop doing something that obviously gives them pleasure, but I find gaping distasteful. I don’t want to holler down your rainbarrel; I want to stop it up.

And when the Porno-American Community bands together to present a clinical view of someone’s (thankfully) obstruction-free colon I find myself in a Too Much Information state of mind.

For a little extra income I’ve begun selling Gram Ponante Gape Cozies^TM at selected offramps of the 101, 405, and 118 freeways. Perhaps you can buy a set for the gapes of your loved ones? I offer several:

The Gape Doily

The Gape Doily is a traditional woven Gape Obstructor perfect for tea parties, wakes, and rainy Sunday afternoon contemplation.

The Willard

If you’re like me, nothing says “The Horror” more than a gape. Cover your loved one’s fart of darkness with this breathable cozy. At just three bucks, it’s easy on your pocketbookalypse. Comes with Charlie Sheen.

The Peacekeeper

Protect her silo with a symbol of American might and smackdown benevolence. The MX Missile carries an 80 percent guarantee not to pollute groundwater. Can you say that about a gape?

The Traveler

Once you decide to make that fateful journey, take St. Christopher with you. Four out of five Cardinals endorse anal sex as an essential part of the Abstainer’s Toolbox.

E Pluribus Anus

What better way to protect a national treasure than with the Great Seal of the United States? You don’t have to be a Mason to get some caulking in.

The Unicorn

We have several Gape Cozies^TM in stock bearing images of fantastical creatures like the Chupacabra, Cthulhu, the Unicorn, and the mythical Ass Baby (pictured), which one out of five Cardinals believes walks the Earth.

Thanks to Bree Olson for being today’s Gape model.

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Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Quick turnaround in the gape dept.; Cock-blocking with Gram
See also: New Sensations