Working blue: Porn and mainstream movie industries learn from one other

Porn has cashed in on a recent string of mainstream movie and sitcom parodies, and it has improved on the classic Hollywood casting couch, but does Tinseltown benefit just as much from porn?

Disney this week took a cue from the niche-valuing adult industry, announcing that the fourth installment of “Pirates of the Caribbean” would only audition actresses with natural breasts.

Movies featuring natural breasts, abundant pubic hair, and C-section scars are enjoying increased popularity in a porn world that is going back to its roots, and Hollywood appears to be following suit.

Because the only enhancements women enjoyed in the 19th century were chastity belts and, perhaps, goiters, Disney is seeking authenticity for a movie that nevertheless also features British subjects with good teeth as well as fighting skeletons. And Hollywood is gingerly subscribing to a creepy casting director model.

From The New York Post:

To make sure LA talent scouts don’t get caught in a “booby trap,” potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. If there’s nothing moving from the waist up, they’re saying, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not all flesh and bones — and you’re out.

What we do here in Porn Valley to determine natural breasts is just reach out from the side of the camera frame and squeeze them, saying things like “Oooooh.” This is the way director Robbie D. does it.

“Pirates of the Caribbean” was itself inspired by a theme park ride before being adapted to the “Pirates” bestselling porn parody series by Digital Playground in 2005 and 2008. Only the “Come on My Face Mountain” derivatives have had as many porn and mainstream iterations.

And now that “Pirates of the Caribbean” is going all-natural, will Digital Playground remove the implants of Jesse Jane?

In other news, Hustler and director Axel Braun are at work on “This Ain’t Avatar XXX 3D” (“Redefining what a blue movie is”). As I have not seen the original “Avatar,” I will be required by my profession’s rigid bonds of integrity to fork over 14 bucks to see it in order to adequately judge Braun’s parody when it is filmed and released in the course of what will probably be the next two days. That is 14 more dollars to Hollywood, and all because of porn.

Having no knowledge of the original did not affect my enjoyment – such as it was – of the “Jersey Shore” porn parodies but, as as proved by “Not Married with Children XXX,” sometimes a porn parody improves on and successfully distills the essence of its mainstream inspiration.

Finally, taking a cue from the “Back to the Future” and “Lord of the Rings” trilogies, porn parody producer X-Play has filmed both its “Not Married with Children XXX” and “Not The Cosbys XXX” sequels back to back (“so we didn’t have to break down and rebuild the sets and rebook the actors,” said producer Jeff Mullen).

What do we learn from this relationship? I don’t know, but it has everything to do with boobies.

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: DP preps “Pirates 3”; Rating the “Jersey Shore” porn parodies; “Not Married with Children XXX”; “We Shall Overcome” (on your face)
See also: Disney wants women with natural breasts for new “Pirates” movie;

About Gram the Man 4399 Articles
Gram Ponante is America's Beloved Porn Journalist

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