I knew I was dealing with serious Trekkies when Giles, the British Patrick Stewart lookalike whose business card features the actor dressed as both Jean-Luc Picard and Dr. Xavier from “X-Men,” used the word “canonical.”
He was talking about a sex scene between his character and Kimberly Kane’s.
“Because this interlude between Captain Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher—my future wife in the series— started in the second episode of ‘TNG,'” Giles explained, “in an episode called ‘The Naked Now.'”
Giles, who has appeared as the Picard character in ad campaigns but is a graphic designer in his day job, originally chose “Step Forth” as his nom de porn.
“But it seemed silly,” he said.
“At least you thought to go with a porn surname people could pronounce,” I said.
The Crusher/Picard scene at the end of Sam Hain’s new parody consummates nearly two decades of turgid fan fiction, for a movie that is the third in a series of methodical science fiction-based “dark parodies” (the first two were two installments of “The Sex Files”).
“We’ve got a lot of actual Trekkies in the movie,” Hain said. “There’s Giles, of course (Hain met Giles at a Trek convention in Las Vegas), and April O’Neill (Counselor Troi), who’s a huge Trek nerd.”
I don’t know who else in the cast was a fan of the show, but Ensign Ro (Dana DeArmond) corresponded via Twitter with TNG‘s Wil Wheaton, whose Wesley Crusher character did not appear in the time frame of Hain’s script, and who therefore couldn’t be represented by, say, Dane Cross.
Ditto Borg characters, so no Derek Hay as Q or Tabitha Stevens as the Borg Queen. But Data is played by Xander Corvus (who does double duty as Picard’s stunt cock, as Giles’ academy training did not cover popshots), the great Tyler Knight as LaForge, hardworking Rocco Reed as Riker (he used a stunt beard), India Summer as the cryo-Disneyed Tasha Yar, Klingon badass Lee Bang as Worf, and Bobbi Starr as iPad Lady, a character the Enterprise picked up on Mos Eisley.
The filming took four days with an extra day for greenscreen space battle sequences. The sets consisted of a massive bridge/control room, bedroom with space view, Captain’s space chamber, and a barren space planet with some desolate space rocks. Adding a contemporary “Star Trek IV” feel were the planes from the nearby Van Nuys Airport on a 90-second takeoff and landing interval.
“Cut,” director Hain said. “Hold for plane.”
“Cut,” director Will Ryder said on the (same) set of “Not Married with Children” in 2009. “Hold for plane.”
“Cut,” director Lee Roy Myers said on the set of “Cheers XXX” in 2010. “Hold for plane.”
“Cut,” I said on the set of “Facts of Life XXX” last November. “Hold for plane.”
Despite this and some 17-hour days well-documented on Twitter, the cast had a good time. And even though it may appear that April O’Neill is smoking marijuana in the video, I can assure you that her bong contained nothing more than Razzles.
While most of the cast had their scripts for weeks (and some were playing the parts they felt they were born to play), Corvus dropped into his part on the day Anthony Rosano’s eyeballs rejected the Lt. Data contacts. So not only did he have a script to learn, but he also had to fuck Kimberly Kane as if he were a man 20 years his senior. Now that’s an actor.
Also noteworthy is that Kimberly Kane is the DeForest Kelley of this cast, having appeared both in a porn parody of the original series and in that of TNG, though not as the same character.
“I try to stay humble and keep things in perspective,” the actress did not say, “and not miss DeForest for DeTrees.”
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I will not give away the plot, as Hain’s movies tend to reward people who watch them for the dialogue, but I will say that Evan Stone does not die in Giles’ arms in this one.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: This Ain’t ‘The Wrath of Khan,’ either; Ropey Volleys 2009
See also: New Sensations
Wouldn’t Kimberly Kane be the Diana Muldaur of the cast? She appeared in TOS and TNG as different characters.
Excellent point. But let me push up my glasses and suggest something different. Another person who played on both series—in the same role—was Dr. Bones. And with KK’s newfound love of pubes, I think we shouldn’t overlook DeForest for the trees.