Many times I will go to porn sets and spend hour upon delightful hour listening to the director wax on about his place in cinematic history, watching paint (or other substances) dry, getting physically assaulted by self-fulfilling prophecies, eating Kirkland-brand snacks and, if I’m lucky, experiencing porn.
But Anabolic director Ivan was no-nonsense on the set of Creamplosions 3, starring Michigan’s own Audrey Elson and Black Forest Sascha. It was not lost on the assembled group that the shoot was happening 63 years to the day after the U.S.S. Indianapolis was sunk by two Japanese torpedoes, and Audrey Elson was about to have a creampie explode right in her Quint.
A creampie, as you well know, is an internal popshot that comes back out on film. So accustomed are porn audiences to the (statistically) rare-in-real-life external placement of male seed across the breasts, hair, face, and back that the creampie was invented to simulate the loving strivings of real couples, in which the male will ejaculate into his partner, she will let it seep back out, and then she will lick it off the floor, much in the same way George and Martha Washington did in the years before Christ.
In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors’ Cathedral
The church bell chimed, ’til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.
-Gordon Lightfoot, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”
The shoot was efficient in that no time was lost exchanging required information.
Elson (to Sascha): Are you rough in your scenes?
Sascha: Whatever you want. Slap your ass?
Elson: Oh, slap that as hard as you want.
Sascha: I was on set yesterday and the girl was like, “Don’t kiss me, don’t touch my face, don’t touch me when the camera isn’t rolling.”
Ivan: Will you eat your come out of her pussy?
Sascha: I don’t think so.
Ivan: What about in the heat of the moment?
Elson: What if you can’t think straight?
Sascha: Oh, I’ll think straight.
“My knees are fucked,” she said.
“Really?” Ivan asked. “Can he fuck your knees?”
“I’ve done some weird shit in my porn career,” she admitted, but no patellaphilia was perpetrated that day.
Almost as soon as the sex started, 45 minutes later it was over – just like in real life! I found myself driving back to Gram Ponante Towers, Helipad, Luge Course, and Maritime Sailors’ Cathedral in the early afternoon. I hardly knew what to do with myself, so I contested parking tickets.