Your Week in Porn-Related Sea Battles

My good friend P. Weasels celebrates his birthday this week, as do many of your favorite porn stars. Here is an article he wrote for Gamelink’s Naked Truth linking these celebrities to naval conflicts. In an industry that — let’s face it — churns out a lot of delicious, nipply, labe-tastic sameness, it’s writing like this that underlines the fact that porn is what we project (sometimes literally) onto it. No one in the porn realm makes me smile out loud as much as P. Weasels, who writes with great intelligence and whimsy. Not only that (and probably because of that), he is one of the handful of exceptions to the rule that people who write about sex can’t get laid.

The following article first appeared on Gamelink’s Naked Truth.

AJ Applegate Big Ass Pornstar

September 23 has been, throughout the years, a surprisingly productive day for both naval actions and porn stars. For instance, the first naval battle of the Hundred Years War, the Battle of Arnemuiden – incidentally, the first naval battle to involve artillery, featuring as it did three cannon and one hand gun aboard the English ship Christopher – was fought in 1338. Eventually, in 1989, AJ Applegate was born in Massapequa, New York. As far as we know, there’s no connection between the two incidents, but you never can tell.

Dani Daniels XXX Pornstar

Later (later than Arnemuiden but earlier than Applegate), in 1568, Spanish naval forces led by Don Francisco Luján routed an English fleet under the command of privateer captain John Hawkins (and a very young and junior Francis Drake), at the Battle of San Juan de Ulúa near Veracruz in what is now Mexico. Shortly thereafter, in 1989, the delectable Dani Daniels came into the world in what is now Orange County, California (or the C. de N., as the Spaniards called it).

Birthday Girls

At almost exactly the same time (as Dani Daniels, not as the action at San Juan de Ulúa), in 1989, Jamie Lamore, five feet even of pure dynamite, was born in (we think) San Francisco, although there is some question about that. Likewise, there is some debate about what exactly happened at the battle of Flamborough Head in 1779, during which Captain John Paul Jones, aboard the soon to be both famous and underwater Bonhomme Richard, spoke the words “I have not yet begun to fight!” That was an understatement, because he had, but luckily for America, he hadn’t finished. We also hope Jamie Lamore has not finished making porn, because she is adorable.

Birthday Girls

Not quite so adorable but no less interesting is Sydney Leathers, the girl who was the intended recipient of Anthony Weiner’s dick pics on Twitter; she has embarked on a thus-far inconclusive and not especially notable porn career trading on her celebrity status, appearing in two titles so far. Her two porn salvos are comparable to the two shots fired by the gun battery at the Battle of Olongapo in the Philippine–American War, shortly before it was destroyed by the American Asiatic Squadron in a combined land and sea action.

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