My Big Fake Wedding

Studio: Vivid
Director: B. Skow
Cast: Brea Lynn, James Deen, Holly Morgan, Vanilla Skye, Carmel Moore, Jada Fire, Jack Venice, Sascha, Trent Soluri, Donny Long

Portions of this review originally appeared on Fleshbot

“Not ’til we’re married,” says Beth (Holly Morgan) to Jared (James Deen) as she masturbates in front of him. This sort of teasing is as bad as waterboarding, and this is the sort of torture that shouldn’t be depicted in porn movies.

“Why don’t you play with my tits while I use my vibrator?” she suggests.

Cruelty.

So many things are hard to accept about My Big Fake Wedding, such as the virginity of a woman who has shaved pubes and a tattoo on her groin who is friends with Brea Lynn.

Jared consults with his pals, who suggest staging a fake wedding to get their friend to home plate, having already determined that alcohol won’t work because “she’s Irish.”

Unfortunately the probable maid of honor (Brea Lynn) overhears the scheme and alerts Beth. Together, they plan to sabotage the event, even alerting the bachelor party hookers (Carmel Moore and Jada Fire) of the turnaround.

A note about bachelor party hookers: they don’t squirt like Jada Fire, and they only work with condoms. Your bachelor party’s mileage may vary.

Brea has it all worked out. Impersonating the priest is rake Jack Venice. She has somehow acquired photos from the bachelor party the night before and threatens to tell Venice’s wife if he doesn’t take Universal Life Ministry’s online ordination test, thus making the sham wedding a legal one. Further compromising him is that she caught him masturbating to porn on his MacBook Pro.

Doubtful if posting this picture of a man posing as a priest who is masturbating to an Apple product will bring my PowerBook back after OSX Leopard nuked it, but I will take any satisfaction I can.

The blessed day arrives, and we must continue to suspend our disbelief as Beth shows up to the squalid affair in a juicy wedding dress. Don’t virgins like big weddings? I always assumed so, but I have never met a virgin.

Naysayers might point out that Beth should appear to be more in pain once Jared assumes his right of prima nocta, but she probably broke her hymen long ago with a vibrator. What is actually annoying, though, and a bad habit of studios, is that the juicy Morgan is not on the boxcover of her own movie, but Lynn is instead.

It’s hard to find any flies on a lighthearted romp with the delightful Holly Morgan and the weapons-grade Brea Lynn, even if the idea of Morgan as a virgin is only a little less absurd than Venice as a priest.

“My Big Fake Wedding” is a fun movie regardless, with Deen behaving credibly in an untenable situation and Morgan and Lynn proving that weddings make people horny.