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"(Porn Valley Observed is) the smartest and funniest coverage of the adult industry you will read." - About.com |
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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
What "Naughty Nannies" finally reveals is better than what it doesn't
 It is not a crime - only creepy - to make porn featuring women pretending to be younger than they are, specifically, by virtue of their lollipops and pigtails, below legal age.And it is also not a crime to imply the presence of but not depict children, such as in movies like Digital Playground's "Babysitters" and Hustler's new "Naughty Nannies." What is a crime is that I had to wait until a DVD arrived to see Arianna Armani naked. You may remember that I met Armani the same night I met Marilyn Chambers. Armani had just signed with Digital Playground and had changed her Christian nom de porn from Arianna to Angelina. But, faster than you could say Adrenalynne, Armani was a free agent again, posing with my copy of "Jaws" at the Hard Rock Hotel. And not getting naked. "Don't give it all away," said her handler, the svengali Monstar, saying something about the evils of the Internet. That is why I have to rely on an awkward scene shot in May of 2008 to determine if Armani looks good naked. Why? Because free content is ruining porn.  At least that's what I heard someone say at a seminar. Myself, I was amazed by the hesitance of this scene, the frequent cutting out of sound, and the repetition of dialogue ("You like that?" says Armani a few times, to which Rocco Reed unconvincingly replies "Amazing!")There is also nothing in the scene which suggests that Armani is a nanny or who Reed is in relation to the nanny's charges. But that doesn't matter as long as she's naked, right? Far be it from me to even suggest that a porn performer's only worth lies in her nudity. That would be like saying that people only look at my site for the copious T&A and not the scintillating and often poignant writing.  Feel free to disagree, but having seen Armani in a scene that was not very good and that didn't display Armani's wit, the only thing that I have to fall back on is her winning, shark enthusiast personality. It's the personality - or the suggestion of one - that makes the nudity desirable, and why she should become naked immediately upon being presented with my copy of "Watchmen."Previously on Porn Valley Observed: You're gonna need a bigger throat; Help "Angelina" Armani to love L.A.; Oral fixations See also: Hustler Labels: angelina armani, Digital Playground, hustler, marilyn chambers, monstar ¶ Tuesday, June 30, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post 
Monday, June 29, 2009
Breasts together, legs apart, with Erika, Erika, Erika Heart
 Once upon a time, all you needed to see was the suggestion of a female-identified curve, whether it was buried in some underbrush, stuffed into a locker, or traveling toward you with a ruler in its fist, ready to yardsticking you into right-handedness. But now your discerning tastes require presentation.Do you think strippers came up with the idea of slapping their own asses? No, you did that. For whose benefit did women first don high heels? First bite their fingers? First simulate choking on your cock? Not for theirs, pal. So we appreciate the little gestures, such as Erika Heart's squeezing her breasts together with her biceps while spreading her legs, making each discrete body part that much more pronounced. Thanks, Erika. Thanks. It's strange, though, that the 21-year-old Ms. Heart's stance in her cushion-covered Inland Empire room prevents easy entry at just the time that entry is most desired. What kind of mixed message is this? In this way Erika Heart is like those plastic models of food on display at Japanese restaurants. I eat them anyway, but it is only because I am part goat. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Meggan Mallone - head on her shoulders; Sexy Janine hides head injury; The Ironic Empire See also: Inland Empire Models Labels: agency, erika heart, Inland Empire report, poetry ¶ Monday, June 29, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, June 26, 2009
"Ten Little Asians 15": Sullen but frank Thai prostitute will not dignify your question "Are you a transsexual?" with a verbal answer
 Everyone will mourn the passing of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson differently, I guess.
See also: Third World Media Labels: asians, thailand, third world media ¶ Friday, June 26, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Seth Dickens and Patient Zero
 Seth Dickens has come forward as one of the performers affected in the recent Porn Valley HIV scare, and has made a statement that he hopes will dispel some rumors.We talked for several minutes as he drove back from the beach, and I include his statement verbatim: from Seth Dickens:  I called Dickens because I had read other reports indicating that Patient Zero's last "good" HIV test had expired April 29th, not May 29th, and he assured me that the test he saw expired on May 29th.I have met Dickens several times on sets and he has always been friendly and professional. I wish him luck and look forward to talking with him further once the dust settles. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Your week in MILFs; The Soft and tumescent parts of Ashlynn Brooke and Sadie West - A Military perspective; Texas Vibrator Massacre; How the dust will settle See also: AIM Healthcare Labels: health, HIV, seth dickens ¶ Friday, June 26, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Apple goes soft-core
 Apple has approved the $1.99 iPhone app Hottest Girls, which until yesterday was a scantily-clad but still clad photo gallery.But now everything has changed because the girls are topless, making Hottest Girls the first iPhone app to have nudity. Developed by Allen Leung, Hottest Girls was released in its Victorian version on May 6. It featured a handy randomizer button and girls with bikinis. "All updates are free, and will appear instantly in your app," stated Leung's team. "These photos are either taken by us, or properly licensed." Why anyone would want to pay $1.99 for something that non-geeks get for free is a puzzlement, but I bet the demographic for the app skews young. I bet AT&T will begin marketing their network as having the fewest dropped balls. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Jenna Jameson marries iPhone; Apple leaves MacWorld for Adult Entertainment Expo; Who-ray came first? See also: Allen Leung Labels: Apple, softcore, technology ¶ Thursday, June 25, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Debi And Sunset: Value-added moms
 Two very similar web series, Demi Delia's "Mommy XXX" and Sunset Thomas' "Sin City Mom" have made their way to tube sites. Both feature aging (but game) porn performers who happen to have two teenage children, and we watch as the moms (jiggle) career and family.If this sounds familiar, credit Ozzy Osbourne before you credit "Family Business." The MTV show "The Osbournes" (2002-2005) had a remarkably similar format to that being employed by Delia and Thomas, with two teens (a male and a female) and a long-suffering supporting cast that had to come to terms with the shambling but lovable star still grasping for relevance in a world where he had already become a punchline. "Mommy XXX," which debuted this month on the Hulu-lite site Crackle, is slickly produced and features cameos by Porn Valley friends Randy Spears (Delia's ex-husband), Tory Lane, and Carly Parker. In one episode, Delia has sex with Spears on set for the first time since their divorce. To listen to her, Delia still sounds like she's 19, but that is her charm. Many of her porn star friends are not too much older than her kids, whom the series portrays as reluctantly tolerant of her career. Like "The Osbournes," the kids come off as more mature than the parent, but that isn't much comfort. This is apparent in the debut episode, when her children question her intent to get an 11th boob job. ("See? I'm not freakshow," Delia says when she totters, post-op with new funbags, home.) Reality shows are so scripted and formulaic, and the good-natured celebrity fool & family format so entrenched, that it is no surprise that "Mommy XXX" has company. Las Vegas-based Sunset Thomas has, if you believe her "final" film "Into the Sunset," retired from porn. But "Porn Star Mom" lets us know that she hasn't retired from being a sexual lady.  If you're like me, you are thinking "Gee, my mom couldn't even cook. But Sunset Thomas is a stripper, porn star, and a prostitute.""I'm doing so much," Thomas explains, "that I really try to be hands-on with my kids." Of the two, "Sin City Mom" seems to be trying too hard. It feels over-directed. Here is the unedited press release: preeminent Porn Star, Sunset Thomas, has launched a web-based reality show titled, Sin City Mom.I'm so glad that the current social/political climate is willing to swallow that her kids are pumped. I'm going to watch both these shows in the hope that eventually they will merge into one somewhere around Barstow; it seems inevitable they will cross-pollinate. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Latina Hollywood Hookers; Into the Sunset; I will not be the flame or - is Jennie off the cock a cheap trick? See also: Mommy XXX, Sin City Mom Labels: carly parker, demi delia, randy spears, reality, sic, sunset thomas, tory lane, websites ¶ Wednesday, June 24, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
In the red with Vixen Vogel
 I have now been America's Beloved Porn Journalist for four years, and I have always been impressed by people who say they're going to leave the adult industry and then do. A redhead named Vixen is one of these people.Vixen stood at least 5'10" without heels and didn't try to hide her light under a bushel by being a stick figure. Instead, she looked as healthy as a hot camp counselor after a summer of good meals and swimming. If Dove ads allowed pubic hair, Vixen would be in them. I met her in 2006 on the set of a movie shot by a company that no longer exists. See? The carpet matches the couch.  Vogel (she sometimes performed as "Katrina") was from Minnesota and stayed in the adult business for about a year to earn some cash, she told people, and then she left. She stuck to her plan. In that way, she was like Jesus and "Babylon 5." I came across her (not literally - she'd actually have to be in the room) in a compilation from Fusxion called "Scarlet Fever" starring (of course) Audrey Hollander and even longtime Hollander substitute Gabriela Banks.I hope Vixen is doing well and that she never comes back. But what this compilation tells us is that no one ever really leaves porn, not when your years-old scene can be cut up and re-purposed forever.  The "A" on the boxcover was also scarlet, as if to suggest these women had committed adultery. I thought this was a nice touch, even if the movie hadn't borne it out, and even if I can't get the idea of "The House of Seven Nipples" out of my head.Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pegging the man-flower; The Pornhumous Vixen Vogel; Working up the enthusiasm with Gabriela Banks; Holliday at the Car Wash; Money is tight, but Audrey Hollander is not a whore See also: Fusxion Labels: audrey hollander, fusxion, gabriella banks, redheads, vixen ¶ Tuesday, June 23, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, June 22, 2009
"The Five" has ten boobs, but what does it mean?
 I recently watched Adam & Eve's "The Five" and, despite the numerology craze sweeping the adult industry in preparation for the End Times, was unable to decipher the movie from an eschatological perspective.Does "The Five" stand for Bree Olson's available holes? There's the three obvious ones, but there's at least six more, and then you can't discount her pores. Does "The Five" stand for the Roman numeral for five, V, which is my own shorthand for "vagina"?  Is "The Five" how many minutes Sasha Grey had with the script before brilliantly improvising 17 pages of dialogue?Does "The Five" refer to the denomination of bill I slipped to the doorman to let me take these on-set pictures?  Does "The Five" refer to the number after the decimal point that describes Jenna Haze's basement apartment? Or - and what is more likely - does "The Five" refer to the number of lamps in this photo?
See also: Adam & Eve Labels: "adam and eve", bree olson, jenna haze, monday reviews, sasha grey ¶ Monday, June 22, 2009 1 Comments Links to this post
Friday, June 19, 2009
Ava Rose: Last, butt not greased
 A while ago I attended the filming of a movie called (at least it was that day) Big Butt Oil Orgy. This is my final sdtory from that heady day. A tarp was put down, women were oiled, and a pleasant time was almost had.But that which made what could have been merely a pleasant day an excellent day was the presence of Ava Rose, who emerged from her Garbo-like cocoon with the help of various lubes, unguents, and jellies.  "I'm not a hustler," she said when I asked where she'd been.In fact, she spent much of the day hiding behind shrubbery, similar to when I'd seen her at the Surrender of O release party.  "I'm not the type of person to say 'Hey! Hire Me!' and 'Hey! Look at my MySpace page!'" she said.I've never understood why anyone would need a MySpace page if they're already naked. It seems like overkill. But then, I'm old fashioned. I look at Ava Rose and think that she is just the type of person my grandpappy in Bogue Chitto would have liked, would have kept a photograph of dressed in a simple, straining gingham dress while he fought the Germans, would have been shocked to find had been sleeping with his best friend all through the war, would have forgiven instantly upon seeing her landing strip covered in baby oil, writhing on some cheap sheets with Sophie Dee.  Rose is not a Type A Porn Valley shark. Instead, she was worried about this fly which had probably met its end between any one of seven sets of oily cleavage that day. All right. I lied for the purpose of a catchy headline: Rose's butt was unbelievably greased. You could just ... slide right up in there and never come back.Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Anatomy of an oil orgy; Oral fixations at Erotica L.A. See also: Third Degree Films Labels: Ava Rose, pinups, set visits, sophie dee ¶ Friday, June 19, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post
HIV2k9: How the dust will settle
 This month's Porn Valley HIV diagnosis has been getting considerable airplay in local and national media, but the tempest seems to be settling to a less hysterical baseline as the news cycle winds down.In addition to the test results for the remaining secondary performers, the release - if ever - of the name of the company that allegedly filmed Patient Zero with only an expired HIV test, and what AIM will do if it receives subpoenas, what remains to be seen is what everyone might learn from this. My predictions: 1. This will blow over. 2. There will neither be mandatory condom use nor state regulation of the porn industry in any form. 3. Companies will feel compelled to require more frequent tests. This is expensive, and they can argue that performers not on a contract will have to foot the bill as they've always done. 4. The major companies will agree on an increased testing schedule and then, one by one, the schedule will return to what it once was 5. AIM will close loopholes in reporting test results, such as verbal or provisional confirmation, if loopholes exist. If there is a phone call greenlight process, that is probably going to go away, too. This HIV outbreak will likely be limited to one and will not affect sales negatively (though how it could affect sales positively is not a fun thing to think about). What Outbreak 2009 will do is increase again the cost of making porn, and perhaps limit the amount of porn being produced. Previously on Porn Valley Observed: LFP on HIV ¶ Friday, June 19, 2009 2 Comments Links to this post
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