| --Monday, January 05, 2009--
Vegas, scabies, Vegas
 I will be reporting from Las Vegas for the rest of this week, here for the Consumer Electronics Show (pushes up glasses) and the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo (pulls down pants).
 This year's show will mark my third as the editor of this website. Despite this, for every sultry, "Come hither!" look I receive, I get another one that says "Go hence!"
It's a tough life.Labels: 2008, avn09, Digital Playground, events, las vegas, stoya
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, January 02, 2009--
Gram Ponante announces Oscars of Porn
 At a tearful ceremony this morning at the Lamplighter Restaurant, the grant-funded National Institutes of Pornographic And Pornotextual Arts presented their Oscars of Porn, the first and most prestigious adult awards of the year.
"Don't do drugs," said noted porn journalist Gram Ponante.
"Ever since the Institutes instituted this institution, the cash and blowjobs have been flowing in," Ponante added. "And frankly, I'm about spent from everything that's been flowing out."
Ponante demonstrated this depletion in the only way he knew how for a vocal contingent of foreign press.
"Stay in school," Ponante said, unraveling for a Belgian camera crew.
The Oscars of Porn were named for Oscar Goldman, Steve Austin's boss in the Six Million Dollar Man. NASA and JPL estimates concluded in 1983 that wounded astronaut Austin's cyborg rejiggering only cost $1.2 million, indicating that Goldman's assessment of the bionic man's worth was irrationally exuberant. Thus a perfect fit for porn.
"Our hearts go out to our nation's military," Ponante said.
2008 Excellence in Adult And/Or Erotic Entertainment Honors
 Porn Movie of the Year
The Texas Vibrator Massacre
"Just about everything a porn movie should have is neatly packed into Rob Rotten's instant classic. The title alone says it doesn't take itself too seriously, yet the movie proves better than most grindhouse movies in that all the women you want to see naked actually become that way. And then, conveniently, they become dead. In this way, your ancestors are not shamed. So what if it's not original? Tobe Hooper would have wanted Roxy DeVille naked, too."
 Think-piece of Ass of the Year
O2: The Surrender of O
"Juicy submissive Bree Olson tops from the bottom in the second excellent O movie from Ernest Greene. There's sealing wax, contracts on heavyweight paper, weeping, sage advice from Nina Hartley, excellent performances from Kayden Kross and Mika Tan, and Tommy Gunn as a bathrobe-wearing ne'er-do-well freeloader playing myself."
 Conspicuous Cumsumption Award
Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge
"'Don't you know we're in a goddamn recession?' I shouted at the lavish Pirates 2 premiere, in which each attendee was given $1,000 cash and Tera Patrick's social security number, then was driven home by Jesse Jane. Everyone should have a copy of Pirates 2 not only because it is one of the most expensive porn movies ever made but also because it looks it, with Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Belladonna, and Jenna Haze working their asses off, only to have them fucked back into place."
 Best Couples' Film
Slave 01
"Moxie Maddron is kept in the utility closet of a comfortable Porn Valley home by Eric Swiss in this intimate film by feel-good director Mike Ramone. Ramone joins Eli Cross, Mark Kulkis, and Heidi Pike-Johnson as former AVN editors who direct movies, and he delivers a character study that is as heartwarming as a Pixar film. Mark my words: Ramone will be the country's biggest exporter of hugs and smiles in '09." Honorable Mention: Joey Buttafuoco Caught On Tape. "While it was - shocking! - staged, I believed the 'I love you.'"
 Best Bush
The Crash Pad
"While director Shine Louise Houston's series about a wiretapped San Francisco apartment used by itinerant sex-having lesbians might concern First Amendment activists, it is Porn's most enduring legacy to our 43rd president." Honorable Mention: The Bush Administration. "It's like pubic hair for straight people!"
 Best Travelogue
Miles from Needles
"Huell Howser would be impressed with Savanna Samson's in depth study of the California hinterlands and its colorful characters. A movie awash in death, rednecks, and boobies, Miles from Needles features excellent performances by Kimberly Kane and April Blossom, and is even better than ario Argento's Hesperia."
 Most Earnest Porn without Sasha Grey in It, Though Luckily It Has Madison Young
The Whore Within Me
"Like atoms, whores just are. We needn't explain what makes someone a whore, we just need to let whores go off and be whorish without comment or examination. If we break down the whore to her component protons and electrons, we risk a spermonuclear reaction."
 If By 'Oven' You Mean 'Vagina,' Well, Then Yes She's Got One in the Oven Award
Nina Hartley's Great Sex During Pregnancy
"The Future No-Name Jane is knocked up and up in this movie, which says that you can't get a woman pregnant enough."
 Glass Ceiling Award
Mother of the Year
"Used to be that having children meant the end of a woman's career. Not any longer. With California's 1997 MILF Statutes finally being enforced, the sky's the limit for women unsatisfied with the limitations of Entrance Only vaginas."
 You Can Leave Your Shirt On Award
circa '82
"Whether it's a style choice or they're all burn victims, these girls are bottomless like a good cup of coffee throughout this movie, featuring appearances by members of the Circle Jerks and the Germs."
 Comeback of the Year (pt. II) Award
Tricia Devereaux in Defend Our Porn
"Performing in the one original scene in an excellent 3-disc compilation set meant to defray Evil Angel's court costs in its recent obscenity case, the delightful Devereaux just might make you defray all over yourself."
 Triple-crossed by a Tranny Award
Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass!
"This movie dramatically illustrates a disturbing trend in our neighborhoods that is killing our fish and ducks: Abducted by dominatrices, fey but otherwise innocent men will be further humiliated/stimulated when the domme reveals a tranny lurking in the wings."
 Robert Fulghum Award
Stoya: Deeper 11
"Stoya's facial expressions give the impression that what is happeing to her is unexpected, whether she is ordering pierogies or being sodomized. This allows her to maintain her sense of wonder. Everything you need to know you can learn propped atop Stoya's near-translucent hillocks."
 Best Hentai And Pickup Line
Night When Evil Falls I
"I'll let these tentacular underpants-probing Japanese animated professionals speak for themselves -
- The water is absorbing the magic - the magic that is in your pussy juice!
- You're a vulgar girl who loses control to a swollen clit, aren't you, Girl? I'll show you the discipline of Calderos!
and
- For a tomboy, you're curvy with a girlish body. But your tits are small.
"Try out any and all of these at the Saddle Ranch. Get there early for a good table. For many in Los Angeles, being on time requires the discipline of Calderos!"
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: 2007 Awards; 2006 AwardsLabels: 2008, awards, belladonna, bree olson, jesse jane, Kayden Kross, madison young, mika tan, nina hartley, noname jane, roxy deville, sasha grey, savanna samson, stoya, transsexual
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, December 31, 2008--
2008 in Review: Pictures with nudity in them really take off
 Thank you once again Readers, studios, and advertisers for an excellent year.
And thanks especially to the performers who made it happen. In your pants.
See the full gallery here.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Pictures of the Year 2007Labels: "vena virago" wgl, events, fotos, set visits, sindee jennings
posted by Gram the Man
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Final tally: Inner sluts tap out young sluts, 90-20
 I interrupt the interminable year in review coverage with the final two movies I received here at Gram Ponante Towers, Heliport, Holodeck, Caverns, Slaughterhouse/Steakhouse, House of Parliament, and Pesticiderie moments ago.
It seems that we can spend so much thought this time of year rehashing what it all meant that we forget that the answers are often in a yellow Hustler bubble mailer, sent from Beverly Hills at a cost of $2.36.
 We talked a lot about money, politics, individual freedoms, and what defines a MILF this year, but doesn't it all boil down to the fact that, in the end, the young sluts didn't win?
 Young Sluts Inc. 20, which seems to be about women who take the initiative (Faye Reagan slaps her boyfriend's book out of his hands so he will service her, Evie Delatosso comes home and attacks her unresisting spouse), takes place in a house. Do you think that's because they're incorporated? Is it an insurance issue?
 Barely Legal 90, on the other hand, features women of roughly the same age passive-aggressively ensnaring not-reluctant men in leafy glades (Nikki Sky seduces the yard worker, Tanner Mayberry "forgets" to bring her swimsuit to her neighbor's pool).
Q. But how does this affect you, Grams?
A. Well, while I cannot countenance passive-aggressive behavior and generally like straightforward people, you'd think I'd prefer a Young Sluts-type woman. But no - I liked the Barely Legal girls, whose boxcover motto was "...ready to tap into their inner slut." Why? Probably because I liked the yards. I need to get out of the city.
 But you're wondering what the December 31 arrival of these movies means for 2009. So am I, my friends.
It means that people will tolerate all sorts of bad behavior as long they can have sex outdoors. So discharge something else on your goddamn lawn tonight.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Barely Legal 75 - Stacks of nudes spotted in Sunland; Meet Ashley Orion; Nymphetamine; "This girl is half his age."
See also: HustlerLabels: 2008, erica mclean, evie delotosso, faye reagan, faye valentine, hustler, matti klatt, nikki sky, tanner mayberry
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, December 30, 2008--
2008 in Review: Best Set Visit
Adam & Eve's The 8th Day
 "The stage is the god-damnedest woman you ever saw." - Neil Diamond, liner notes from "Hot August Night"
It was indeed a hot August night when I left the set of a movie called - IRONICALLY ENOUGH!!! LOL:) - The 8th Day.
I understand that, because certain crew people nominally contracted to other companies were working on this post-apocalyptic movie for Adam & Eve, that there is actually a lawsuit. Now I like nuisance lawsuits as much as anybody, but do you really think valuable time that could have been spent finalizing the screenplay to Upnose: Banned from the Venetian was wasted on this Bree Olson/Kayden Kross/Amber Rayne epic?
 Despite, apparently, the huge ethics violations that made this movie possible, I had a great time in the dusty Bellflower paintball park that served as its Cli Max: The Load Warrior location.
 I met the frank Krissy Leigh, the diaphanous Feather Rosewood, reacquainted myself with Darryl Hanah and Amber Rayne, and got Kayden Kross up against a locker. All while being dressed by Lexi Lamour and processed by someone calling himself Belial the Dark Prince.
I understand that The 8th Day is in danger of having its release delayed because of the legal nonsense, but I can't imagine the studio that released The Real Boogie Nights doesn't have loftier aims to attend to.
See my 8th Day gallery here.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: 2O28: An Ass Kaydyssey Kross; All we want is what's beyond RollerDollz; And on the 8th Day, God blew up Boston
See also: Adam & EveLabels: "adam and eve", 2008, amber rayne, darryl hannah, feather rosewood, Kayden Kross, krissy leigh, set visits
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2008 in Review: Workplace of the Year
Kink.com
 Larry Flynt makes his employees pay for parking. Digital Playground has never washed the Tera couch. If you work at Vivid, you have to make awkward, shoe-gazing conversation with Eon McKai by the lunch truck. GawkerMedia did away with its bonus program so I'm not getting a Gizmodo-branded hoodie for writing Fleshbot's most-read story of 2008. Things are tough all over.
 That's all the more reason to celebrate Kink.com, which hosts employees, studio space, and even an underground river in its massive San Francisco Armoury building - and everyone seems happy.
 To watch a movie shot by Kink.com is to believe that everyone on the screen just happened by Kink's Mission Street headquarters, felt pleasant twinges in their parts, and decided to walk on in and get pissed on, electrocuted, flogged, calipered, humiliated, suspended, and violated in holes she didn't know she had.
 And it's like Satine Phoenix, Lorelei Lee, and Olga Cabaeva live there.
I'd move to San Francisco in a heartbeat but I'd have to give up my subscription to The Watchtower.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Enter the Adrianaconda; Back to the Apocalypse at the San Francisco Fetish Ball; By the time I get to Phoenix, she'll be pissing
See also: Kink, PissingLabels: "Kink.com", 2008, BDSM, fetish, larry flynt, lorelei lee, san francisco, satine phoenix, steveporn, urination
posted by Gram the Man
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2008 in Review: Books about Sex with Strings Attached
 No tampon or puppet-fucking jokes, please
As you can tell from my lack of command of basic English grammar, I don't read much. And when I read, I don't read quickly. So the five books on this list I read for work, and they each happened to explore the dark side of sex for money.
1. John Holmes: A Life Measured in Inches, by Jennifer Sugar and Jill C. Nelson. A must-read for porn fans and cautionary tale enthusiasts. Buy it here.
2. The Money Shot, by Christa Faust. The comeback of former porn star Angel Dare is marred by violence and betrayal. Great descriptions of Porn Valley and Las Vegas. Buy it here.
3. The Delivery Man, by Joe McGinniss Jr. As an infrequent visitor to Las Vegas, I loved the picture of Sin City's lower-rent neighborhoods as the doomed protagonist drives hookers to their clients. Buy it here.
4. The Price: My Rise And Fall As Natalia, New York's #1 Escort, by Natalie "Natalia" McLennan. I would still rather spend the thousands of dollars clients unloaded on Natalia by backing up a truck to the Apple Store, but McLennan's customer service couldn't be beat. Buy it here.
5. Glamour from the Ground Up, photos by Ed Fox. I admit this was cheating, but this coffee table book of juicy foot-centric photography (that doesn't exclude all the other good parts) is the type of weighty tome one could almost leave out for company, explaining that one likes to support the visual arts. Buy it here. I also read The Unbearable Lightness of Being this year, finally, and it was a great gift. While there is plenty of sex in the book, I'm not under the impression that there were any conditions.
Though Teresa thinks her husband's hair "smells like a woman's groin," this is not the website for my thoughts on Milan Kundera. This site is all about porn kitsch.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Prather prattles, pimps periodically published porn potboiler, Memphis Monroe unpeeled for field manual; Narcissistic Personality Disorder or just two very blonde women getting paid to have sexLabels: "tina tyler", 2008, Apple, books, ed fox, feet, interviews, Jenna presley, jennifer sugar, jill nelson, john holmes, las vegas, milan kundera, natalie mclennan, prosties
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2008 in Review: Most in need of a creative consultant
Abby Winters
 I award because I love. These fleshy Sapphic Australians squish and frot together with their armpit hair, belly rolls, tribal tattoos, Linda Koslowski aspirations, Lord of the Rings-adjacent accents, mannish underpants, flushed cheeks, natural breasts, and an amazing ability to pick the most boring titles ever.
Hidden Desires? It sounds like a Skinemax movie that ends up having Peter Coyote in it.
I just now realized I wrote about this before.
But I am not one of those people who criticizes without offering solutions. Fly me to Australia, "Abby Winters," and I will reveal the secrets of naming porn titles so that people don't think you're trying to sell them living room furniture with an upholstered compartment for the remote controls.
Not going to fly me to Australia? Fair dinkum. Dingoes ate my baby anyway, and Gulpilil owes me money. I'll tell you for free:
Simply substitute one word in any AC/DC song with a part of the female anatomy and you'll have a surefire sales juggernaut.
I can't wait to watch Sydney's fleshy finest romping through "Dirty [Vulvas} Done Dirt Cheap" or "For Those About To {Funbags}, We Salute You."
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Livingston Taylor at the Wombat Room; Oi my aching back; Cultural learnings of the Abby Winters girls
See also: Abby WintersLabels: 2008, abby winters, australia, geekery, pop
posted by Gram the Man
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2008 in Review: Small studios of the year
 As Master Yoda said, happy I was with Pirates 2, but off at me these Japanese Bitches pissed are.
Small studios that fully commit to a niche provided some of the fun, funniest, and fappable fare this year. The following are my three favorites.
1. Third World Media
 It is not possible for you to imagine my joy when I open a box full of porn to find titles like Hairless Asian Clams, Japanese Whale Watch, Miss Big Ass Brazil, and Pissed Off Japanese Bitches. With subtitling, humor, and a guarantee that each scene will actually relate to the title, Third World's follow-through is remarkable.
 And even their gay and tranny products are compelling enough for me to get over my queasiness (for a while, anyway), like the Japanese belt sander to the scrotum think piece Rice Rockets (pictured), the horrifying Foreskin Frenzy, and the Double-whammy domme and tranny exercise Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass.
2. Harmony Films
It is the humor and choice of talent that distinguishes Harmony Films from its higher-overhead competitors. Guided by madman Scots director Gazzman and the level-headed, Priva-drowning Dave West, Harmony Films is distributed in the U.S. by Evil Angel and has tentacles reaching around the world, including Porn Week.
 A personality-driven company with the likes of Poppy Morgan and Bobbi Starr competing with the scene-stealing Gazzman for attention (a difficult task), Harmony Films often breaks talent that become famous elsewhere, such as Vivid's Nikki Jayne and Jean Jacobs.
3. Chatsworth Pictures
 If comedy is tragedy + time, Chatsworth Pictures posits that Porn is tragedy2 + time - health insurance and pants.
To call someone in porn an "industry veteran" carries about the same amount of enjoyment and emotional uplift as going to a high school reunion, single and successful, and finding all your ex-girlfriends fat, fat, fat.
 Yet Chatsworth Pictures' impresarios Cram and Grip Johnson are industry veterans, and their world-weary cynicism bleeds through every frame of movies like the Cuckold series and its spinoffs, including Mandinka Parties and I Can't Believe You Sucked A Negro.
If more small studios produced porn like those listed above, well, it would take me longer to write this list. But note my cultural sensitivity displayed in the top picture from Pissed Off Japanese Bitches in which I substitute a Honda Ridgeline for my traditional cockblocking Hummer 2.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Wittols - Cuckolds without the consequences; Postcard from Porn Week; Upstairs/Downstairs with Tatiana Kush and Nicki Hunter (and these dudes); Japanese porn exporters put their money where the mosaic is; Thai, Brazilian, or unspecified Asian?
See also: Third World Media, Harmony Films, Chatsworth PicturesLabels: "chatsworth pictures", 2008, asian, bobbi starr, brazil, harmony films, jean jacobs, jean laconia, lorena sanchez, nikki jayne, Poppy Morgan, third world media
posted by Gram the Man
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2008 in Review: Best Wicked Movie
 If You Like That Sort of Thing Award
Wicked Pictures delivers slick, well-edited, beautifully packaged porn movies time after time. Their use of voiceover to drive plots and decrease acting snafus is smart and effective. Their stable of contract performers and directors, including jessica drake, Stormy Daniels, Kaylani Lei, Randy Spears, Michael Raven, and Brad Armstrong, make couples' films with better and more consistent attempts at plot, character, and message than any other Porn Valley studio, period.
And yet their movies are often so relentlessly earnest, formulaic, and aimed at skittish transitional audiences (people who will buy a Wicked movie because it is presented to look like a similar mainstream movie) that the sloppiness that often makes porn so appealing is whitewashed away in the soft lighting.
 Vivid, Hustler, and Digital Playground can't come close to Wicked in making a Wicked movie. And would they want to? That is why Wicked, best at what it does if you like that sort of thing, deserves its own category.
My favorite Wicked movie this year is Fallen, in which jessica drake plays an angel who has lost her faith but not her sex drive (well, if you look like drake and you've got to choose one...). Shot by Brad Armstrong against a beautiful downtown Los Angeles backdrop, "Fallen" is to smelly, raunchy, clinical, and gapey porn what "City of Angels" was to "Wings of Desire." And who wants to see Peter Falk in a porn movie anyway?
See the Fallen review here.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Kissing Girls, The Accidental Hooker, The Wicked; Carpool; Today in porn swag
See also: WickedLabels: "stormy daniels", 2008, brad armstrong, jessica drake, kaylani lei, michael raven, randy spears, wicked
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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