Ho, Set A Watchman or: Learning To Not Overthink Your Porn Sequels

When I learned that Digital Playground was preparing a sequel to its 2009 hit “Teachers,” a Robby D. movie employing a “Mean Girls”-style plot device and featuring Jesse Jane, Stoya, Riley Steele, and Jenna Haze as students at Fillmore Bush Academy and their sordid interactions with teachers (get it?!) like Katsuni, Evan Stone, and Tommy Gunn, I naturally thought that a movie titled “Teachers 2” would pick up where its predecessor left off, perhaps developing the character of returning castmember Tommy Gunn and maybe even addressing the issue of “schools” that are nothing more than tuition-assisted fuck-dens for 29-year-olds.

teachers ponanteIn the original, buddies Jesse, Riley, Stoya, and knocked-up Angelina Armani (she was the beloved Zeppo of DP contract girls) fret about a lost slam book that contains all of their secrets. Jesse has sex with gym teacher Tommy Gunn, Stoya and Jenna Haze get it on with Evan Stone, and then there’s a climactic free-for-all in a parked bus. I imagine the book is returned and Armani learns her pregnancy is a false alarm — either that or there’s some legally-dubious D & C action in the DVD extras.

jesse jane angelina armani ponante

Six years later, Digital Playground is an almost completely transfused company following the buyout of its principals, Samantha Lewis and Ali Joone, and the departure of main director Robby D. and its contract stars. Its new owner, the piracy tube giant Mindgeek (it also owns Brazzers and Reality Kings and probably Au Bon Pain) sits on a couple of decades of Digital Playground’s massive and valuable content library and also releases the occasional original movie, such as a “Kill Bill” parody starring Ash Hollywood. While DP does a brisk business of recompiling old material for movies like “The Best of Sasha Grey” and “The Best of Jesse Jane,” “Teachers 2” is the company’s first attempt at reviving a title from its pre-Borg days.

I like to think that the publicity-shy Robby D. finally agreed to release the long-rumored companion piece to his beloved classic, where Jesse Jane becomes Jesse in a bittersweet tale of growing older, acceptance, and facial popshots. Maybe the student becomes the teacher, Maybe Tommy Gunn dies on top of her in a tearful, semen-drenched reunion. Maybe sexy lawyer Stoya delivers a powerful and pantsless closing argument in a sweltering courtroom.

But Nope: “Teachers 2” has nothing at all to do with the original, but has its own merits, as you will see in this review I did for Gamelink.

teachers 2 ponante Digital Playground celebrates the time-honored Porn Valley tradition of releasing a sequel that has nothing to do with the original. Regardless, Eva Lovia as a fleshy college spy in overalls looks great, and this time there are milves.

In its pre-Mindgeek acquisition, Digital Playground released Robby D.’s “Teachers” in 2009 as a tentpole (ahem) movie with its full complement of contract stars: Jesse Jane, Riley Steele, Stoya, and Katsuni. The only original cast member to return for the 2015 Jakodema “sequel” is Tommy Gunn, who doesn’t even play the same character. Perhaps the inclusion of performers like Jake Jace and Jesse Jones are tributes to Digital Playground’s most famous star? Or am I overthinking it?

Hold on. We should stop a minute, rethink this, and judge “Teachers 2” on its own merits (because Eva Lovia looks so goddamn good), even if this movie has no right calling itself a sequel.

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Lovia gets a text from her old professor/adultery partner, Tommy Gunn, who wants her to check out the tactics of Briarhaven Academy, a competitor of their alma mater that apparently turns illiterates into scholars. Gunn gives Lovia a spy pen for this endeavor, then fucks her — as you’d like to as well when you see the overall ensemble she’s busting out of — on a park bench. The movie is worth it for two reasons already: the panorama offered by the park bench and the real danger the shoot might be busted at any time by whatever police force administers the valley below, and the sweet look Lovia administers Gunn when he shoots a load on her stomach. It’s as if she’s saying, “Don’t be a louse to your spouse; just bust a nut on my gut, Gunn.”

teachers 2 gamelink ponante

Lovia arrives for her tour of Briarhaven and is immediately checked out by a dude who wears sunglasses inside just so he can lower them as she walks by (it’s that kind of movie). She meets Dean Roosevelt (India Summer), who dispatches her on her tour so that the Dean may be serviced by two students. We realize that, somehow, all the sex students are having with the teachers at the school is why Briarhaven is performing so well. We are not sure if students are gaining knowledge by osmosis and vaginal juices or if the instructors just fudge the grades. After all, Summer’s name is misspelled in the credits — anything can happen!

A note on the wardrobe: porn set in schools exists in a rarefied time and place. Everyone needs to be over 18 but the students are all in uniform. Is this a senior-year-of-high-school-only school? A junior college that prepares students for secondary education but is still remedial enough to require a dress code? Either way, it’s a truly magical 18-month period that a whole genre of porn deals with.

teachers 2 gamelink ponante

During a visit to the locker room, Lovia meets Coach Julia Ann, who rewards her track star with a benchwarmer (a term I just made up for someone having sex on a bench — should have used it two scenes ago but Julia Ann, who is 45, is very inspiring).

teachers 2 gamelink ponante

Then Lovia stops by a Female Sexuality class that quickly becomes both Hands On and Hands In. This is a particularly dialogue-heavy scene, and the patter trips over words like “rejaculation.” Yes, rejaculation.

teachers 2 gamelink ponante

Finally, however, this heretofore formulaic movie resolves with an actual plot device that makes the whole thing satisfying. There is revenge, redemption, and a cumshot on the butt.

“Teachers 2” does not have the production value of its namesake but it has a better script (even if there is no Stoya to make the lines make more sense). I’d wager it cost a third of what the original did, both because of Porn Valley’s diminished paychecks over the last six years and because the postproduction (save for the credits sequence minus spellcheck) doesn’t measure up to the first one.

But what makes this “Teachers” superior is a strong throughline and a cast that wasn’t dependent on a big star. We like Eva Lovia just fine — we don’t keep thinking “That’s Jesse Jane!” — allowing us to better appreciate the work the cast and crew put in under more constrained circumstances.

Still, the cynical cashing in seems cheap. This is an original movie and should have been titled appropriately.

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