Mia Malkova is not some wizened strip of sex jerky, walking amongst the cranes and helipads of Downtown L.A. in director Mason’s “Erotica X.” In fact, had she skipped lunch, she might have blown right off the roof.

Somewhere after “Mean Girls,” Lindsey Lohan became porny in affectation without showing the skin to back it up. Then all the curves melted away in a haboob of cocaine. Finally, by “The Canyons,” we kind of didn’t want to see her naked anymore. Natasha Nice reminds us of all that promise, and delivers in a crazy joyride of flesh and drama.

Wouldn’t it be great if a pornographer were brave enough to name her movie after a Guess Who song? Dana Vespoli is that pornographer.

If this town had a Wicker Man, “Summer Lovin’” would have been a way better movie.

So many things to see in Japan, but a vagina in porn isn’t one of them

“Then why was there only one set of footprints?”

“Because I was fucking you.”

In which I use the term “bulbourethral.”

Nurse Dani Daniels is an angel of mercy to a man who accidentally ingested his uncle’s boner pills. Gram Ponante (America’s Beloved Porn Journalist) says it happens more often than you’d think.

Bonnie Rotten plays a sex-and-apocalypse-wizened bounty hunter in the movie Tommy Pistol was born to make.

“I love the way my black stepdaddy comes inside my tight little pussy,” White says to no one in particular.

These maids more than compensate for their half-assed attention to detail with their whole asses.

“You’re killing me,” Manuel Ferrara says to the great white Mia Malkova. “You’re like a shark.”

Quick Summary: In this scene from “My Girlfriend’s Hot Mom 4,” there is neither a girlfriend nor is the woman getting fucked a mom. So the movie should be called “4.” Like the Foreigner Album.

Sometimes a concept can be explained so articulately that people forget that it’s so simple that it never needed to be brought up at all. I feel that way about the recent spate of “Porn sex isn’t real sex” stories. Well No Shit. One need look no further than the title “Big Titty MILFs.”

…just imagine what a bunch of porn directors will do when considering the pliant, spongy form of Alexis Texas.

For those left disturbed by “Get My Belt,” a bonus disc of Behind the Scenes footage reminds us that everyone is actually very friendly and considerate of each other.

Maddy Chandler has a “Winter’s Bone” thing going on, which is very appealing, but I don’t think she done been a’matriculatin’ nowheres.

They have done everything but, and Prom Night represents that arbitrary time when they allow the Blessed Event to happen.

It just goes to show you that porn doesn’t need special effects or even condoms; it’s all about the stories.

Mrs. Christie regularly passes into fugues after a home invasion leaves her terribly shaken. Luckily, they are sexy fugues.