“Tragen Sie Turnschuhe, Dumkopfen!” shouted the irritable Father of Psychoanalysis, dead from jaw cancer these seven decades. “Wear sneakers!”

There is absolutely no reason to wear a watch during sex unless you are a hooker. And we all know that porn performers are not hookers. Yet Mick Blue wears one in his scene with the delightful A.J. Applegate, who has been thoughtful enough to coordinate her eyes with her shoes and her co-star. In [...]

When all practical means of creating enjoyable legal pornography are eradicated some time next week, we will no longer have the delightful porn trope of Penises Entering from the Side of the Frame.

“I’m (still) going to go (back) to a world where I have sex with beautiful women every day,” Deen says.

As a lapsed Catholic, pondering how many women can fit on a frenulum is a more appealing diversion than thinking about angels on the head of a pin

Watching “Trashy,” an unapologetically fantastic piece of porn featuring delightfully modified harlots having sex in uncomfortable places, I realized that the recent trend of comparatively wholesome porn—women in sunlit bedrooms peeling off their boyfriends’ t-shirts and kicking off their sneakers to fuck on a comforter—is still just a fetish.

“It stands to reason that if there is a movie called ‘The True History of She-Male Cock’ that there have been false histories,” says historian Doris Kearns Goodwin

“It says that the only way to keep Interstellar Beings from entering our skulls is to wear hats if you are female or sunglasses if you are male,” Siffredi said. “And you see, I have already purchased sunglasses.”

I’m always sad when the new “Performers of the Year” rolls out. Even though Lexi Belle and Asa Akira carried over from “Performers of the Year 2012,” it makes me wonder if Kagney Linn Karter, Kristina Rose, Jayden Jaymes, and Gracie Glam are on a junk heap somewhere being crushed into cubes.

“The Art of Blowjob” was as pleasant a surprise as a blowjob itself.

You know how there’s no atheists in foxholes? That has nothing to do with barrio bitches and their buttholes.

Gram Ponante reviews “Skip Trace 2,” featuring some giddily violent scenes between Nacho Vidal, Charley Chase, and Jynx Maze

You don’t have to be familiar with the Ice Cube/Chris Tucker source material to enjoy the living shit out of this “Official” parody. You only need to know that Ice Cube and Chris Tucker were in it.

“Well, we’re good girls,” says underpantsless Lisa, “but whatever we can’t give you, we make up in enthusiasm.”

At the devices of Rebecca Reynolds, Julie Simone gets redder and redder still in “50 Shades of Red,” a fine bit of revenge bondage that involves so much candle wax and slapping that you’d swear you were home for the holidays.

…So where is our “Rats in a maze, men in a cage” movie extrapolated from that quip in “Tango & Cash” and starring Katsuni in the porn version?

In the middle of the California desert, beautiful women frolic on sensual furniture. We wonder: Who took the rest of their stuff? But then we think: If they’re happy, we’re happy.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that the 5-scene spirit stick endeavor “That Horny Little Chearleader” made me think of Walter Matthau shaking his fist on his lawn.

Sadly, my copy of Dana Vespoli’s “Older Women, Younger Girls 2″ suffered the excesses of my enthusiasm and was rendered unusable. So I had to make up what I thought the beautiful Julia Ann and Dani Daniels were saying in this Saphtastic scene.

I’m convinced that the future of porn most reliably rests in first-person adventures like Dani Daniels’ “Dare,” in which the movie is all about the personality of its star.